WHY CAN'T ADULTS MAKE FRIENDS EASILY?

Batch '75 - friends for life!

Remember when we were kids how easy it was to make new friends? Like, just hop on your bicycle and ride to the neighborhood park and play with whoever was there. Or go knock on the neighbor’s door and see if anyone wants to start up a game of cricket or football. And as a parent, we say the same to our kids if they don’t have anyone to play with and we see another child nearby. It’s as simple as asking, “Want to play with me?” And boom. They’re friends.

 As a young adult, the world is our oyster when it comes to making new friends. But, once we get older, making friends is not quite so simple. The older we get, the more challenging it becomes. At the age of 40 and beyond, it can be tough working around various schedules or trying to find a time that is good for everyone to meet up. Adults work around children's school and sports schedules. They also have their own work schedules and some adults in their later 40s take on caregiver roles for their parents. Office, school, market, doctors, electricians, plumbers all demand your time. Consequently, managing the day-to-day family unit is tough enough, let alone trying to find time to squeeze in a much-needed social life. Then, when you do find the time to meet up - it is often for a short period of time and not frequently at all. 

Being a doctor makes you socially very busy but does that mean that doctors have many friends? On the contrary, the senior doctors are quite lonely if they are in their own practice and have a close working group if they work in hospital. Yes, there are new faces they see every day, but are they striking a friendship often? I doubt. Their business interests and their patient’s wellbeing may require them to get in touch with colleagues but these are not the guys and girls they would go to watch a movie or a cricket match with. They are work acquaintances but not friends. Yes, high school friends or medical college colleagues when work together do form a formidable team, but then again these are friendships struck before they were 40 something!

So is making new friends in adult life difficult? Romantic relationships are arguably easier to find because there’s a physical attraction—or at least the promise of one. People are motivated to find romantic relationships, so they’re more open to talking to strangers in restaurants or cinemas. But a non-romantic friendship is a different story all together. Adults often feel “rusty” when it comes to making new friends. What’s more, the ways in which we can or should go about meeting new people and building close connections can definitely change, the older we get. Some people also feel shame going out of their way to meet someone new and this often leads to other issues of loneliness and social anxiety. The difficulty is that feeling alone with these thoughts and emotions can take away from our willingness and ability to put ourselves out there and meet new people.

Given the overwhelming evidence that friendships are important for our emotional and physical health, it is well worth investing in creating a social support that reflects who we are at that moment in time, the kind of life we want to live, and the support we all need and deserve. And as we age, we also get a better sense of who we are and the type of people we want to keep in our lives and the types we want to keep out. Being open to building new connections can help us secure the support we need for whatever it is we are going through at that point in time, be it monotony, parenthood, or retirement.

True friendships at any age increases our sense of belonging and purpose; boost our happiness and reduce our stress.  It also improve our self-confidence and self-worth; and help us to cope with inevitable like empty nest syndrome and traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one. Friends are important, even when we’re boring old grownups. So here is my solution to the adulthood friendship problem:

1. Join a club

If you're looking for an easy way to make new friends try joining a club in your city. This is a great idea because the groups are made up of people who are laughing and having fun. Club activities are often scheduled in advance and on a specific day of the week. This will help you plan better and make sure you interact with all age groups as each has a different gift to offer. Just be sure that you can commit your time and not forget about the club after obtaining the membership badge. Lions and Rotary clubs are international and besides offering excellent camaraderie to its members do yeomen service to the underprivileged of the society.   

2. Reach out to friends you’ve lost touch with

If you have lost contact with many of your friends over the years, it stands to reason that former friends have had similar experiences. On top of trying to build new friendships from scratch, do your best to reconnect with members of your social circle with whom you've fallen out of touch and with people you were once close with. You can more or less pick up where you left off. These guys and girls can be your classmates, course-mates or office colleagues whose company you once enjoyed.

3. Join local groups on social media

Today there is hardly a literate person in India who does not have a social media identity.  Use it liberally. With so many people turning to social media it has become easier to make friends with just the click of a button. One of the easiest ways to do so is by joining local Facebook groups. This will give you the opportunity not only to get to know people in your immediate area, but it will give you a good idea of what kind of fun stuff is happening nearby. Make a WhatsApp group of all your class-mates or all the friends of the locality you grew up with, or all the friends who were in the Army or in the Ship with you and see how your days metamorphose.

4. Strike up a conversation in a fitness class

If your preference is cycling, cardio, hip-hop dance or yoga, a fitness class is a great place to meet new people. All you need to do is strike up a conversation with a fellow participant. Bonus! You already know you share at least one common interest with them. 

5. Make friends with people who you see in non-social contexts

Contrary to what you may think, you can befriend your chartered accountant or hang out with your kid's teachers. In fact, there is no good reason that you can't ask people you know from their workplaces to meet up socially too. Think about how much your dentist or gym trainer probably already knows about you, you've got a great place to start from.

6. Reach out to friends of friends

The friends you currently do have are a great resource when it comes to making new ones. If you are looking for some new people to hang out with, don't be shy. Ask your friends to set you up on friend dates with people you have met through them. 

7. Show up at local events

Your local community is a great resource for making new friends. All that is required is that you show up in Durga Puja pandals, regional fairs, iftar parties, concerts and other local gatherings. With that, you are bound to see some of the same faces, making it easy to connect. 

8. Invite people from work to your home

OK, not everyone, but there are bound to be a few interesting ones, those who enjoy football or share your love for P.G. Wodehouse! And anyone who loves football and / or P.G. Wodehouse can’t be on uninteresting company!   

9. Attend your local city council meetings

Getting politically active on a local level is an easy way to meet people who share the same values that you do. Attending local city council meetings will help you get in touch with a community of people who care about the same issues. The recent Swacha Bharat Abhiyan is a great cause to get together, formulate a plan of action and clean up your locality or the children’s’ park in your colony!

10. Sign up for an excursion group

Travel is the most exiting way of meeting new friends. Year before last 14 of us, from diverse backgrounds, from different countries met for the first time when we planned an excursion to Kailash and Mansarovar and long after the 17 eventful days were over we still cherish the friendship we have built. Try this; you will instantly have a new group of people who share your interests to spend time with. 

Our Kailash Mansarovar group

For those who struggle to meet people and crave social contact, friendship apps are changing the ways we meet people and how our friendships are formed. It can be easier to reach out, introduce yourself, and get a friendship off the ground when you know that the other person is also looking to make new friends. But this can be a huge pitfall too. Virtual friendship is no substitute of real friendship. People who spend hours together in the virtual world talking to E-friends are left with no time to talk to real ones.

We must make friendship a priority. It ultimately helps to recognize that investing in friendships does not have to come at the expense of other relationships and responsibilities, but rather can make our lives that much more meaningful and fulfilling. We can be better dads and mums, better husbands and wives if our heart is warmed up by the glow of friendship.