SELF CONFIDENCE AND SELF ESTEEM

 

Self-esteem refers to whether you appreciate and value yourself. Your self-esteem develops and changes as a result of your life experiences and interactions with other people.

Self-confidence is your belief in yourself and your abilities. This can change depending on the situation. It's normal to feel quite confident in some circumstances and less confident in others. A healthy amount of self-esteem is necessary to have the self-confidence to meet life's challenges and participate in things you find enjoyable and rewarding.

If you have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, you may find that individual negative or disappointing experiences affect how you feel about yourself. This can cause a self-perpetuating cycle of negative thinking where negative expectations for the future discourage you from trying. This leads to disappointing outcomes.

For example, if you're lacking self-confidence and receive a low mark for an assignment, you may think, "What else could I expect? I'm stupid. This proves it, and I might as well leave." On the other hand if you have healthy self-esteem and receive a low mark, you may think, "I wonder where I went wrong? I'll find out so that I can do better next time." Although you may feel disappointed by the low mark, you don't feel diminished as a person.

So, being confident in yourself is one of the most important, and most challenging, traits to have. Self-confidence can fuel success, while low self-esteem can impede it. Even if you struggle with self-esteem issues, it’s probably not something you’d want to broadcast or the kind of impression that you’d like to give people. 

Low self-confidence can result in:

• shyness
• communication difficulties
• social anxiety
• lack of assertiveness.

Low self-esteem may cause you to develop a strong critical internal voice (an 'inner critic') that tends to express itself loudly when you're feeling distressed, overwhelmed or judged by others. This inner critic can cause significant personal distress by contributing to 

• feelings of sadness, anxiety or anger.
• Believing your inner critic can cause you to:
• think negative things about yourself
• believe your negative thoughts are always true
• ignore your strengths and abilities
• focus on your mistakes and failings while ignoring the positive
• expect the worst
• avoid challenges or situations where you feel you could be judged by others
• think that you don't deserve to have pleasure or fun.

 

There is a certain set of behaviors, habits, and patterns that not only make you seem insecure, they also perpetuate that feeling in your mind. To start changing the way you and others perceive yourself, and raise your self-esteem, it is important to acknowledge these habits and swap them for alternative healthier ones. These are the crucial signs that can point to low self-esteem.

 1. Being overly positive

Having a sunny outlook on life is great, but being realistically optimistic is equally important. In some cases, however, the need to put a positive spin on everything is a veil for a feeling of insecurity or low self-esteem. Talking to your loved ones openly and honestly about frustrating experiences or emotions sends the message you are confident enough, and trust them enough, to admit that not everything is perfect.  Moreover, being overly positive and refusing to look at what’s not going well has a destructive downside that leads to avoiding the truth. If you numb yourself into a sense of being OK, you can’t really solve the problems in your life and raise your confidence. 

2. Excessive perfectionism

Perfection is the enemy of good. Some perceive the need to always achieve perfection, as a sign of confidence - someone with such high expectations of themselves must really believe in their abilities, right? Well, not always. Being overly perfectionist can be a manifestation of fear of failure. This will lead a person to ‘get stuck’ on a task, trying to get that perfect unattainable result, and stop them from making actual progress.  For example, if you’re about to have some friends over, you may feel stressed that the house isn’t clean enough. Instead of taking 30 minutes to tidy up and make the place look welcoming, you might spend hours on an unnecessary deep clean and have no time left to present the food beautifully on the dinner table! This in turn might take a toll on the way you feel about yourself.

3. Constantly bragging about your accomplishments

Social media has made sharing the best moments of our lives easier than ever. Every visit to a beautiful destination, a nice meal, academic achievements, and so on can be broadcast to the world at the push of a button. Constantly having to remind others how great your life is can easily defeat the purpose, and actually point to a sense of insecurity, low self-esteem, and a need for external reassurance and validation that you are, indeed, great.  Sharing the occasional celebratory moment is perfectly fine, as long as your self-worth isn’t affected by the praise or jealousy of others. Your real friends and your family love you for who you are, and impressing strangers and acquaintances don’t care much. So, a constant broadcast of your greatness is counter-productive. 

4. Trouble saying no

Those with low self-esteem have trouble believing that people will like them for who they are, so they try to ‘give’ people reasons to like them. Being a yes-man means always being available to lend a hand or do whatever others ask of you, putting their needs in front of your own. Of course, some of it comes from being nice and wanting to be helpful, but a big part of it comes from wanting to please people.  Every time you help another person, but it comes at the expense of your own needs or prior commitments, you send a message to your subconscious self that you are less important, or not important at all. Learning to say no and setting healthy boundaries is essential for building up your self-esteem.

5. Constantly seeking validation

Being anxious and indecisive about your choices, asking for your friends' opinions too frequently - those are some forms of seeking validation. It can be about simple decisions like which coat to buy, or what restaurant to go to or it can be the reassurance that something that you feel or think is appropriate. Getting ‘approval’ from others can make you feel like you’re ‘free’ from the burden of deciding, and possibly making the ‘wrong’ decision.  In the long run, however, it does the opposite of setting you free. By not trusting yourself, you signal to others and yourself that you’re unable to handle different situations. 

6. Expecting a catastrophe at the drop of a hat  

Catastrophizing can be defined as ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes. If you have a tendency for catastrophic thinking, it is bound to affect your self-esteem, and the insecurity feeds the cycle of anxiety. “If I don’t recover quickly from this procedure, I will never get better, and I will be disabled my entire life” or “If this viva doesn’t go well, I willnever pass” are not the type of thoughts your mind should construct. Try to put your experience into perspective. When becoming aware that you’re engaged in catastrophic thinking you should counter that thinking by adopting a reasonable perspective on what’s going on. Remind yourself that there is always a Plan B up your sleeves. And of course, you can always seek the help of a professional if you feel you need it. 

7. Rejecting compliments

People with low self-esteem have the most difficulty accepting compliments. If you think you're somehow flawed, or you believe that you aren't good enough, you might have trouble understanding how others can say such kind things about you. Instead of graciously accepting the compliment you may say something like, “I was just doing what I had to do” or “It wasn’t me, sometimes things happen”. Slowly changing that habit could have a very positive effect on your self-esteem.

 

Ways to improve self confidence and self esteem

Practice self-acceptance - Becoming more accepting of yourself helps you to feel OK about yourself and other people, regardless of the situation. Everyone makes mistakes. When you practice self-acceptance you can:

• acknowledge that mistakes are part of learning
• identify ways you may be able to solve problems differently or change to get a different outcome
• be critical of your behaviour and try to change it without being critical of yourself.

Get to know yourself - Take notice of experiences or thoughts that increase or decrease your self-confidence or self-esteem. Identify your strengths, abilities and achievements. Be honest and include everything you're proud of, no matter how small. Think about what they mean to you and why they're important to you. Think about what you'd like to change or improve about yourself, and how you can do that.

Reprogramme your thinking - Pay attention to the language you use when you talk to yourself or describe yourself to others. We are often more kind and generous to other people than we are to ourselves. Recognize and challenge your inner critic. Focus on the messages that make you value yourself, and turn down those that make you think negatively about your value or ability. Reprogram your thinking with positive self-talk and affirmations.

Be more assertive - Learn to assert your needs. Don't feel guilty about asking others for what you want, or saying no to what you don't want.

Make changes in your life - You may decide you want to make changes in your life to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence. Think about what you can change that will improve how you feel about yourself. For example, you may want to make changes in your studies, job or relationships, or develop new skills. Make a plan so that you can:

• identify specific goals that will challenge you
• break each goal down into achievable steps
• build on your success after each step.

Surround yourself with positive influences - Spend time with people who are themselves achievers and who like you for who you are. Avoid people who are constantly negative or critical, but don't withdraw from genuine social contact.

Reward yourself - Celebrate your achievements as you practice building your self-esteem and self-confidence. Make time to treat yourself with experiences and activities you value.

Share with others - If you can, tell a good friend what you're doing. Their encouragement and feedback on the changes you're making could be invaluable support. You can also help other people to see themselves as capable and worthwhile.

 

Self-confidence is a person's attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives. Self-esteem is how a person perceives their own value and self-worth. A person with high self-esteem is open to different ideas and comfortable socially. Self-confidence is closely related to self-esteem. It is more the external behaviors that stem from healthy self-esteem. Self-confidence particularly relates to believing you can be effective in the world, feeling able to handle situations and to achieve goals.