PARENTING – ONE AIM BUT MANY WAYS

Parenting is considered the most important job in the world! Parents anchor children's lives and lay the foundations of relationships, attitudes, and behaviour patterns. How carefully they navigate through the rough waters of childhood and adolescence determines how smoothly the child will thrive in adulthood. The way a child is cared for and nurtured has a significant impact on their general well-being. Parents should listen to their children, show them affection, and discipline them constructively.

Our children are now grown up adults and though we enjoyed their childhood to the maximum, only photographs and videos are now left in our empty nest to remind us of those good days gone by! In one of my previous blogs I told you about a patient of mine, who is a child psychologist and who offered me some golden nuggets about child psychology. If you missed it then here it is for you: https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2024/06/child-psychology-i-never-knew.html

This blog is a result of a very long and leisurely evening spent with her after her surgery, and after listening to her views, I am not really sure what type of a parent we were!

 

Futility of scolding

The most important thing for a parent is their relationship with their children. It is that pause one takes before reacting and the thought they put into treating their child with compassion and empathy. Scolding might take the heat off your own head, but the impact it will have on the young impressionable mind is lifelong. Scolding also underlines that the parent has limited control over his/her emotions, and they use verbal aggression to deal with this disrupted emotional state. So, in a way, the parent is modelling verbal aggression to deal with crises. As a parent, you may not like to set up such a model for your child to follow.

Positive parenting can boost a child's self-esteem as they are encouraged to have open conversations about their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Particular focus should be given to the first few years of a child's life, as during this time, a child's brain develops at an extraordinary rate. This provides an exceptional opportunity to shape their ability to learn. Storytelling, discussions about day-to-day activities, reading together or walking through a garden are all learning activities.

 

Encourage talent, accept limitations, and prepare for the world

Part of good parenting is allowing the child to develop their personality through play. Playing, along with being a fun activity, improves children and adolescents' cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Parents have to encourage their talents while also accepting their limitations. It is extremely useful to have open conversations around pertinent questions like: What is it that they are most afraid of? Do they feel under-confident? Has anyone troubled them recently? Make them feel appreciated, as though their thoughts and opinions matter because they do. Teaching about good touch and bad touch, and how to deal with the latter is an absolute must. Children who do not receive adequate care and protection are among the most vulnerable people in the world. 

 

Types of parenting

There is no "100% correct" way when it comes to parenting, and the way you will educate your children will be influenced mainly by the way you yourself were educated, the way you observe other parents, and of course your personal background.   Despite all this, there are several common parenting styles, each with its own advantages and disadvantages. If you know how to align yourself with the parenting style that suits you, it will be much easier for you to be consistent in the education you give your children.

 

1. Authoritative Parenting

Many child development experts argue that this parenting style is the most effective. Characteristics of such parents include:

·        Willing to establish clear and consistent rules and boundaries

·        Having high expectations for their children

·        Knowing how to listen well to their children

·        Knowing how to give positive feedback and doing so regularly

Advantages and Disadvantages

Authoritative parents provide their children with a loving and supportive environment to grow in, and as a result, children of such parents suffer less from mental health issues and have higher self-esteem than children raised under other parenting styles. Additionally, children of such parents are healthier and are less likely to use drugs and alcohol and be less violent.   However, this style requires a lot of patience and rules, which can be difficult for both parents and children. Thus rules like ‘no play after sunset’, ‘dinner at 8 and bed at 9’ need to be implemented with patient and logical explanation.

 

2. Authoritarian Parenting

It may sound the same as "authoritative parent," but it is not. For authoritarian parents, it is important that children do everything necessary to succeed so that they can be the best version of themselves. Such parents:

·        Set clear and rigid rules and expect their children to follow them

·        Punish – sometimes severely - "Clean your room or I'll throw away your toys,"

·        Have high expectations for their children and do not accept failure –“If your grades are not good you will be punished”

·        Do not encourage open communication - "Because I said so!" without entering into a discussion on the matter

Advantages and Disadvantages

It's important to remember that not every child will grow up to be an Olympic athelete/swimmer or the next great genius Albert Einstein, and this parenting style has quite a few disadvantages, despite its excellent intentions. Children of authoritarian parents do not see their parents as legitimate authority figures, and are more likely to engage in negative behaviors such as smoking, skipping school, and drinking alcohol, compared to children raised under other parenting styles.   They also are more likely to suffer from depression, and though this style aims for success, their grades are not necessarily higher than those of their peers.

 

3. Attachment Parenting

This approach puts the child at the center and creates a protected and safe environment for them. Such parents have the following characteristics:

·        Tend to maintain a lot of physical contact with their children – holding hands, carrying them, and even sleeping with them in the same bed.

·        Respond to every cry for help from the child without hesitation – soothing, comforting, and supporting to provide a warm, loving, and safe environment.

Advantages and Disadvantages

These children grow up to be more independent, mentally resilient, less stressed, more empathetic, and have greater control over their emotions. However, such parents may themselves suffer from certain disadvantages, such as not dedicating time to themselves and their partners. The child too at times becomes a reassurance seeker, which may be an issue in later life.

 

4. Permissive Parenting

Parents who advocate for this parenting style are loving and warm. Unlike other parents, they let their children set the rules, and besides that, they also have the following characteristics:

·        Do not advocate for setting many rules “Don’t want to go to school, don’t go.”

·        Do not set clear boundaries – curfew hours, permissible drinks, smoking

·        Do not always try to control their children's behavior

·        Allow their children to make their own decisions

Advantages and Disadvantages

Permissive parents provide their children with a lot of love. Although most experts do not recommend this parenting style, children raised under it often become independent individuals who know how to make their own decisions and appreciate their parents for raising them to reach such a state.   However, these children experience much more stress in their studies, are be more often victims of bullying, and surprisingly - the bullies tend to be children of authoritative parents. As they are setting the rules they often suffer childhood obesity.

 

5. Free-Range Parenting

This parenting style allows children to explore the world, take risks, and make mistakes, but under the guidance of the parents. Before parents loosen the reins, they give children rules and warn them of the consequences of their actions. This allows them to provide their children with:

·        A sense of responsibility

·        Freedom - let your 3-year-old play alone in the park while you watch from a distance.

·        Control over their lives - allow your child to walk to a friend's house a few blocks away, but before he leaves your apartment, you explain that he should not talk to strangers and what he should do if he gets lost.

Advantages and Disadvantages

When children are given the responsibility for their actions, they grow up to be less depressed and anxious, and learn to rely more on their decisions. However, during childhood, they may be physically harmed, although the risk is no greater than that of other children.

 

6. Helicopter Parenting

Such parents control every detail of their children's lives, from the friends they hang out with, the food they eat, to how they spend their free time. The characteristics of such parents are:

·        Trying to control every situation in the child's life

·        Not trusting their children's ability to handle certain situations properly

·        Always offering guidance to their children

·        Trying to solve problems for their children instead of letting them handle them

Advantages and Disadvantages

Experts argue against helicopter parenting because it makes children dependent on their parents. But these children later are  much less likely to drink alcohol, engage in risky sexual behavior, or spend time with people who do so.   However, children of helicopter parents tend to have lower self-esteem, higher levels of anxiety and depression in adulthood, suffer from a fear of failure, and do not handle problem-solving well in their lives.

 

7. Neglectful / Uninvolved Parenting

Of course, no parent wants to be neglectful or uninvolved in their children's lives, but sometimes it's hard to prevent it, for example, if the parent works two jobs or in a different city and for some reason cannot communicate with the children. Such parents typically:

·        Do not have special feelings for their children – leave the child locked in a car while shopping.

·        Do not attend to their children's physical and emotional needs, except for their basic needs - no idea if the child has done their homework or not, and it doesn't really interest the parent

·        Do not respond quickly to their children

·        Are absent from their children's lives physically or emotionally

·        May hit their children

Advantages and Disadvantages

There is no documentation of advantages to this parenting style, but children raised under it tend to be better at relying on themselves, and have higher mental resilience. However, no child deserves to grow up in such an environment, and the disadvantages are many. These children struggle with emotional control, have a tendency toward depression, have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, and are more anti-social and anxious.

 

To conclude:

There are many parenting styles, and chances are you won't be a parent of just one style, but you'll combine several styles together, and that's okay. Every parent is unique, and so is every child, and you are the ones who know your children best. According to most studies, children grow up best when parents walk the fine line between giving a lot of attention and trying to control them. Either way, you need to try different methods and find out what works best with your children and for you.