MIDLIFE - WHERE WAS THE CRISIS?

I and my wife are now senior and almost senior citizens respectively. Not so long ago we were young and though neither of us even today refuse to believe that we are not, but the number of years spent have stacked up and so have the experience of living a good life. We heard such a lot about the catastrophe that befalls once youth chooses to desert us, but honestly nothing like that ever happened! We kept waiting for our midlife crisis, the creeping sadness of middle age, but it seems we bypassed that age!

We were served with an endless stream of advice on “how to survive your 40s”, as if we’re in the endurance stage of a slow shuffle to decrepitude. The magazines, the internet and the social media were full of well intended admonitions and instructions. This is the age when men become boring and predictable or outrageously unpredictable and flashy they warned. This is the age women start to become “invisible” – their value, sexuality and power supposedly diminish by the vanishing of youth. But we don’t feel like we are fading into obscurity. If anything we feel more visible than we ever have been because we have, most disturbingly, added a few inches in our equatorial regions.

For the first time in my life, I have a clear-eyed view of myself that is authentic, compassionate and accepting. It’s a grounding sense of strength that was forged in the flames of those times when life threatened to burn us to the ground but we found a way to get back up. Now, when we look in the mirror, and we need a wider mirror, we are proud of the couple we see inside it. So when advertisers try to sell me ways to “turn back the clock”, both I and Neeta have to stifle a laugh. I wouldn’t go back to the crippling self-consciousness of my youth if you paid me. But if I could tell that scared, bullied teenager anything, it would be that he doesn’t have to apologize for taking up space in the world.

Life in a middle class family in India was a struggle, and yes we enjoyed the struggle together, but would we like to turn the clock and relive those days when we know for certain that happier times lie ahead. Today, next to God we need to fear no person, no situations and no circumstances and  the only approval we needs is our own.

This hard-won sense of self-acceptance is one of the joys of being an older person. But it’s a narrative often drowned out by the shame marketers who try to peddle us their diet pills, miracle face creams and breathable yoga pants – as if self-love is a purchasable commodity.

Wouldn’t it be great if the second half of our life was a cause for applause rather than trepidation? There are countless fierce and vibrant men and women in their 50s, 60s and beyond, who are living their best lives and kicking societal expectations of ageing in the pants. They are feeling comfortable in their own skin and would trade that for nothing. They have got no time to care about middle age blues, the are just too busy living their life.

Whereas youth is vital for acquiring knowledge and skills, struggling to make a life and a career, the appearance of middle age turns on a magic switch that turns you into an awesome individual, capable of doing anything under the sun or even when it sets. We now have the experience to know with a sense of certainty that on most occasions we are far more right than wrong. We have learned prioritizing of what really matters and we do so un-apologetically as we do not have to live up to anyone’s expectations.

Age and experience has brought about an unfolding of our strengths, an acceptance of our weaknesses and an attitude of ‘swantah sukhaya’ or what gives happiness to oneself! It was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly! We have learned to give high priority to family time and highest priority to each other and we do so disregarding what the world thinks of us. We have realized that we can’t please everyone and we don’t have to. We try to help as many as we can but not at the expense of our health and our comfort, which we had been doing for a very long time when we were young.

In our younger years perhaps we were thinking that somebody else will rescue us or somehow fix us and the pain we’re in, but as we got older we understood that we’re accountable for creating change and the way we respond to those challenges. Yes, people have helped us from time to time – our parents, our teachers, our friends and our children, and that has made our life more livable but they were just the support system till the trunk gained strength to stand alone. But when life got tough the only persons who could pull us out were we ourselves.

Couples of our age are enjoying each other’s company, of growth through adversity, deepening bonds of friendships, the ability to be more compassionate, less judgmental and to listen more and appreciate the small pleasures of life. We have realized that it is all right to be open, raw, real and vulnerable so long as we realize that it is only we who have all the answers. We have to self-soothe without reaching for external props or validation from the crowd, something we have stopped caring a long time back!

Life past 50 - 60 is far from smooth sailing, but it’s so much more than the reductive depictions we see in magazines and on the Cinema’s big screen. I may have more wrinkles on my face, need frequent trips to the loo and my knees aren’t as strong as they once were, but I’m stronger, happier and fitter than I’ve ever been. Bereft of most family responsibilities midlife doesn’t feel like crisis. It’s feels like a celebration.