WHY DO PEOPLE LIE?

Have you wondered why people lie? They may do so once in a while, when it suits them or they can be compulsive liars. Solicitors and politicians often find it a useful survival tool but when it comes to lying no profession can claim to be holier than thou and even Bishops and Cardinals kept on lying about their sexual abuse sagas till very recently. The Australian cricket was recently hit by the ball tampering lie which saw two stars of the game fall from grace and politicians have lied to us so often that an honest politician is truly an oxymoron!

Sometimes people lie to inflate their image—a motivation that might best explain President Donald Trump’s demonstrably false assertion that his Inauguration crowd was bigger than President Barack Obama’s first one. People lie to cover up bad behavior, as American swimmer Ryan Lochte did during the 2016 Summer Olympics by claiming to have been robbed at gunpoint at a gas station when, in fact, he and his teammates, drunk after a party, had been confronted by armed security guards after damaging property. Even academic science—a world largely inhabited by people devoted to the pursuit of truth—has been shown to contain a rogues’ gallery of deceivers, such as physicist Jan Hendrik Schön, whose purported breakthroughs in molecular semiconductor research proved to be fraudulent and Japanese researcher Haruko Obokata whose research on turning simple cells into stem cells turned out to be a hoax.

So I am back to my original question – why do people lie? As I can see it there are quite a few reasons:

1. The lie does matter ... to them. The number one reason people lie when it just doesn’t matter to others at all is because they actually do think it matters. While everyone around them thinks it’s an inconsequential issue, the liar believes it is critically important. Where he went for dinner may be none of our concern but the liar feels obliged to drop the name of a fancy restaurant or an expensive hotel to make him/her look important.

2. Telling the truth feels like giving up control. Often, people tell lies because they are trying to control a situation and exert influence toward getting the decisions or reactions they want. The truth can be “inconvenient” because it might not conform to their narrative. A dishonest patient of diabetes may never agree that he is skipping his insulin shots and a rogue wrestler will never admit to the use of performance enhancing drugs!

3. They don’t want to disappoint you. It may not feel like it to you, but people who tell lie after lie are often worried about losing the respect of those around them. They want you to like them, be impressed, and value them. And they’re worried that the truth might lead you to reject or shame them.

4. White Lies - they want to please you. These are social lies – “you are looking great”, “this dress is looking gorgeous on you” are harmless lies that we have adopted in our everyday life! People lie in society to look agreeable, to maintain good relations and to avoid disagreement with others. These lies are known as 'white lies'. People lie in order to protect privacy about oneself as well as others and also to maintain self-worth and self-esteem. Lying is not considered harmful and deceptive if someone lies to refrain from hurting others' feelings.

5. It’s not a lie to them. When we are under pressure, our thinking about the big picture can be challenged. Often, repetitive liars feel so much pressure in the moment that their memory becomes simply unreliable. When they say something, they genuinely believe, at that moment, that it is the truth. Their memory has been overwhelmed by stress, current events, and their desire to find a way to make this situation work. They succeed in creating a complete alternate world in their head, one that conforms to their moment-by-moment beliefs and needs.

6. To avoid punitive action - When a person is aware that he/she will be punished for his/her deed, they tend to lie. It is a natural reflexive human reaction to distance oneself from wrongdoings or faults. This is commonly found in children in order to get out of trouble.

7. Jocose lie, gossiping and fabrication - Telling a lie as a joke or to fool someone is a harmless type of lie, also known as a jocose lie. Passing on information without complete knowledge is known as gossiping; but, it is also a form of lying. Sometimes, people do not want to accept the fact that they do not know the truth, and hence, they lie. This is known as 'fabrication'.

8. It may be a disease - Some people also suffer from a disorder known as compulsive lying. These people, known as chronic liars, acquire a habit of lying and tend to lie in any and every situation. Lying comes naturally to them and they find it almost difficult to tell the truth. Compulsive lying is a disorder that develops from early adolescence and needs medical attention.

What can parents and teachers do?

We often learn to lie in childhood and this habit can persist. So parents have a very vital role to play and in order to prevent lies from becoming routine, it is important to nip them in the bud at a young age. An easy way to go about it is:

1. Don’t create embarrassing situations that force them to lie

If parents know that the child has not done his/her homework then asking "did you do your homework?" will only mean they want to "squeeze" the information out of your children and put them in an embarrassing situation, as in most cases this will lead to the creation of lies. Instead, ask them questions that will guide them to action, such as "What do you plan to do about your homework?" - so that children don’t feel forced to lie, and are able to focus on carrying out a task that has not yet been completed instead of making up stories about it.

2. Don’t tell "white lies" near your children. We as adults know how to distinguish between lies that are supposed to be good and lies that hurt people, but children can’t yet make this distinction. Consequently, when white lies are told around them, they think that it is okay to lie in any situation and will certainly apply this insight. The worst thing we can do is show them that lying is part of normal life and routine.

3. Set your expectations about telling the truth by making a clear rule – honesty is non-negotiable. This will instill in them the importance of sincerity in the ages in which they learn how to conduct themselves in the world, and will definitely serve them as adults later on.

4. Parents should be patient and accommodating when children lie and try to understand the reasons which forced them to lie. Often children feel the need to lie because they fear their parent’s excessive reaction based on their experience of shouting and scolding. If parents are supportive instead, children will not feel the need to lie, and feel comfortable approaching parents with different problems they might be experiencing.

5. Children need to be explained that when they lie, they break our trust.

6. Don’t make your children feel bad when they make mistakes. This will surely prevent them from lying and covering up their mistakes. Teach them that mistakes are natural and make it clear to them that when they do something wrong and without meaning to, it is an opportunity for them to learn in the future and improve in the future.

7. Give your children positive reinforcement when they tell the truth – Words like "I'm glad you told me the truth ... I know it wasn’t easy, and I'm proud of you". Children will feel that honesty is always the best option, which will reduce their need to lie.

8. Give them a warning when you catch them in a lie and allow them to come clean without any feeling of guilt. "I'll give you one more chance to tell me the truth" often works and if it doesn’t, don’t hesitate to punish them.

Lying and sincerity can never go hand in hand. In order to be taken seriously by the world we have to be honest and truthful. I know it sounds old world but believe me if any one principle has stood the test of time it is this one.