You
can call it a generation gap. Parents and teachers often remember their
childhood, and expect the children and the students of today to be just like
them, little realizing that times have changed and so have the values and the
priorities of their offsprings and
students. During these years many parents and teachers are "caught in the
trap" and make common mistakes in raising and educating their children,
however, this situation can be avoided. Making mistakes is human, and the
wisdom is to know this and to understand that there are certain statements that
create strong resistance in the minds of adolescents which process in a way
that’s completely different than what you could fathom.
I
was brought up in a middle class Bengali family that had moved from Calcutta to
Lucknow because of my father’s transferable job but once we came to this city,
we knew we are never going to leave it. My parents would only settle for the
best school in town, and though it was a very expensive one they chose Colvin
for me. I distinctly remember my interview in the Principal’s office. The
principal, Mr. Kashyap, after a few run of the mill qusetions which a student
of Class II was supposed to answer, asked “Son, what is your father?” I don’t
think I understood the question very well and so very confidently said “He is a
man.” “Wonderful”, he exclaimed, “and that is exactly what we want to make one
out of you, a good, honest and sincere gentleman, who would one day be the
pride of your family, this school and this country!” He then turned to my
father and said “Mr. Bhattacharya, Colvin today may not be in a position to
promise that your son will be an outstanding scholar, but the fact that he will
be an outstanding human being, who will stand out in the crowd, I have no doubt
about that.”
I
have, in my previous blogs, documented in great details about the teaching in
Colvin, about the teachers and their innovative punishments. You can read it by
clicking: https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2023/11/remembering-my-teacher-and-my-father_16.html
Today
I will share with you some pages from my father’s diary, written almost 60
years ago after a parent – teacher meeting. Beyond academics, these meetings
allowed teachers to discuss the child’s behaviour, attitude towards learning,
and social interactions with peers. This comprehensive feedback helped parents
to understand how their child adapted to the school environment. A child’s
academic success is often closely linked to how involved their parents are in
their education. These meetings in Colvin motivated parents to take an active
role, offering them a chance to better understand the curriculum and the
school’s expectations. But this parent teacher meeting, which my father kept a
note of, was very different.
My father wrote that it was attended by around 20 parents and Class teachers of all sections of Class VI and two senior teachers, Mr. M.G. Rao and Mr. P.N. Chaube. The contents of this meeting was most fascinating, the two senior teachers were in fact teaching the parents the secrets of good parenting. No doubt, they were very experienced in parenting, having raised their own families, but the golden experience of being a teacher in Colvin too gave them the authority. Today, I can not imagine such a meeting and the parents might take offence, but the sagacity of the senior teachers and the humility of the parents both deserve a lot of respect, for it was purely passing down of invaluable wisdom! What they were actually telling the parents was why they should avoid certain common admonitions while disciplining their children. These are a few of them:
1. "It's not that I don’t trust you, but..."
There
is nothing more irritating to adolescents than adults who turn to them and
begin their spiel with this sentence - it means to them that they simply do not
trust them. It is very important that you don’t say these words because the
meaning hidden in this sentence is very confusing. If you don’t trust your
teens, just tell them that. Give your adolescent children a little more credit
- if you tell them you don’t trust them, they will try to find a way to gain
your trust.
2. "Because I
said so."
Let's
be honest with ourselves, as parents, we also don’t like to hear these words,
and between us, this argument is very weak. When you say this sentence your
adolescent children are probably thinking that you have no real reason behind
your decision, or that you simply don’t want to explain your thought process to
them. If you are going to say that you are not allowing them to do something,
you must also explain why you aren’t allowing them to do so. If you explain
yourself correctly and clearly, this will leave no room for debate and prevent
feelings of frustration in the future for both sides.
3. "You’ll
understand when you get older"
Your
teens have one foot in the door and one foot out, and when you use this
statement, they realize that they are still young and that you think they’re
stupid. It's true that this isn’t your intention, but think about it, if they
are old enough to learn how to ride a bicycle, decide which extracurricular
activities they want to join, and start thinking about what colleges they want
to attend, they are mature enough to have an opinion on a particular subject.
Just because their opinion is not based on a lot of experience or is different
from their parents' opinion, doesn’t mean they are immature or don’t
understand, it just proves that they are different from you, and that's okay.
Instead of using this phrase, try telling your adolescent children about the
life experience that led you to a particular opinion, and ask them challenging
questions about dealing with certain situations to develop their thinking and
readiness for life.
4. "When I was
your age, I was never ..."
We
all know that this statement is far from true, and it is perceived by your
adolescent children as a fact that you were perfect boys and girls during your
teenage years. Moreover, no matter how perfect you think you were when you were
young, you had to have made at least one mistake along the way. Perhaps you’ve
decided to forget all your mistakes or chose not to share them with your
adolescent children because you don’t want them to repeat your mistakes.
However, what they need most is a human role model, someone who has made
mistakes in his past and can identify with them. Sometimes, being the perfect
parent is not necessarily what your children need. And have you ever thought
that the children’s grandparents can spill all the beans of your childhood and
falsify your story!
5. "What are you
not telling me?"
Most
of us agree that it is a good thing to know what adolescent children do, where
they spend their time and with whom. The problem is that asking questions about
these issues is interpreted as an investigation, especially when they don’t
want to tell you about something they’ve done. All in all, this is simple
logic, but there is a very fine line between worrying about your children and
trying to take out skeletons that don’t exist in their messy closet. It is very
important to take your teen's word for it and if you can’t, then there is a
trust problem that needs to be solved, maybe even just on your part. Ideally
your kids should have absolute confidence in you and confide in you, but for
that you need to make a friendly atmosphere at home, not a hostile one.
6. "Why can’t you
be more like your sister/ brother?"
One
of the worst things you can do as a parent is to compare your children to
others, within the family and in general, and at any age. When you turn to them
with such a statement what they’re actually hearing is that they aren’t good
enough; Such a statement undermines them and makes them worry and convince
themselves that they aren’t living up to your expectations. Instead of asking
"Why can’t you be more responsible like your sister?" Ask "Why
can’t you be more responsible?" His sister is a different person, with a
different personality. This child is most certainly not like his sister, but
still he can be trained to be responsible.
7. "Money doesn‘t
grow on the trees"
When
you choose to say that phrase, your adolescent children understand that what
they are asking for is too expensive and that you aren’t going to buy it.
Because this sentence is so commonly used, it doesn’t have the same impact it
once would have. Instead of being snarky, simply tell them that what they're
asking for is too expensive, and you can’t buy it. If you want to teach them
about the importance of money and wise economic conduct, you need to do so
without using condescending phrases and talk to them at eye level.
8. "What are you
doing in your room all the time?"
It
is perfectly normal for teenagers to have the desire to break away from their
families and escape to their rooms. They are with their families every day and
it is okay to allow them some independence. What you’re actually trying to
convey to them with this sentence is that you miss them and want to spend time
with them, so just tell them that! Their brains are busy with a lot of thoughts
and they probably just aren’t aware that they’ve become a recluse. This
sentence will only drive them deeper into their teenage caves.
