All parents want their children to be successful, to accomplish worthy achievements in their lives, and to become adults who know how to navigate their lives without worries. There is no doubt that alongside the innate qualities of children, our functioning as parents can have a considerable impact on their behavior, learning skills and character. Therefore many parents are willing to do everything in their power to pave the way for this desired success for their children. There are many theories about how this can be done, and there are innumerable psychologists, researchers, and parenting consultants who agree on the effectiveness of some of them and recommend that you apply them as well. Parents, on their part, stop at nothing; from taking heavy loans for their education, to making arrangements for their safe and secure study atmosphere the take a lot of pains.
My
parents were not exactly of genius grade, but were extremely well read. Our
home always had a room which only had books, and both my parents would spend
their free time reading them. Their policy of rearing children was mostly hands
on, but as we brothers and sisters were 7 years apart, I saw a trend that I am
trying to document after so many years.
They would ask the
children to perform chores regularly
When
children are required to do chores from an early age, feelings of
responsibility, confidence, and ambition develop in them. These simple chores
play an important role in building children's personality, and my parents would
often say that they themselves were given chores from their parents when they
were young, and they were required to do them. So, I would take a bag full of
wheat to the aata chakki (flour mill)on
my cycle carrier or accompany my father to the fish market and carry his bags. These
chores were never related to any remuneration in the form of pocket money, and
I was told that this was my contribution towards running of the household.
They were not afraid
to set high expectations of their children
Having
high, realistic expectations of children will help them understand the
direction they should pursue later in life. Children whose parents expected
them to continue to higher education usually do so as long as the parents
conducted themselves in a way that helped their children succeed in school. The
trick is to set a high enough expectation threshold so that children will
aspire to reach it, but keep it within the possible range to prevent them from
feeling frustrated or insecure. Every child will not be Albert Einstein and
Marie Curie, so it is important to understand their aptitude and then inspire
them to excel in their chosen field – sports, music, performing art, literature,
whtever that may be. Every child is unique and different. It is the job of
parents to bring out that uniqueness and help it shine bright.
They helped children
acquire coping skills
Children
who get everything they want without trying or waiting for their turn may find
it difficult to cope with challenges at school and even in their future
workplace. To prevent this, my parents gave us the tools to deal with anger,
delay gratification, or deal with situations that are needed to finally achieve
success. At the same time, they didn’t deprive us of the opportunities to use
these tools. This way we learnt how to survive small challenges in childhood, and
were prepared to overcome more significant ones in adulthood.
They taught us not to
fear failure
Teacher
and educator Jessica Lahey, who wrote the bestseller "The Gift of
Failure," notes that the role of the parent is to manage and minimize
risks, rather than eliminate them entirely. She says successful parenting
involves understanding that failure is a big part of success, and parents who
raise successful children teach them not to fear failure or to feel ashamed
when they do fail. Many parents find it hard to watch their children fail
without helping them or scolding them, but failure helps children develop a
strong character and independence. My parents always said that we learn a lot
more from our failures than our successes. Failure is just a stepping stone
towards success. So long as you are getting up to fight again, there is nothing
wrong with failure.
They emphasized the
importance of social and emotional intelligence
My
parents felt that high social intelligence was just as important as success in
various school subjects. This is because those with well-developed social
skills were also more likely to succeed, impress others, graduate with a degree
and gain full-time employment. The most important things that must be taught to
children in order to promote their social skills are to cooperate with their
friends, to empathize with others' feelings, and to help without being asked to
do so. It is more important to be likeable, rather than a bully.
Their motto was quantity
over quality
While
there was no correlation between the number of hours spent by mothers with
children and children's behavior, scholastic achievement or personal
well-being, there was a significant correlation between the quality of this
time and all three indicators. Therefore, there is no need to feel guilty if
you work long hours, as long as the time spent with your children at the end of
the day is not devoted to passive activity like playing card games with friends
or knitting. They would talk to us like they would to an adult, listen to our
experiences, and try to share the important moments of their day with us. Those
were pre-television days and we were the centre of their world. This was not
the time for discussing disciplinary problems or scolding children and it was
invariably a pleasant atmosphere regardless of what happened throughout the
day. One meal together was the rule and all would sit together and tell
something new that we had discovered that day in our books or school or
workplace.
They helped us to develop
tenacity
My
parents felt that encouraging children to perform challenging or difficult
activities and not to give up immediately will prepare them for success in
later stages of their lives. Perseverance and persistence are among the things
that are necessary to teach children at a very young age since a child without
a "fighting spirit" will find it difficult to develop this trait
later in life. Do not help your children with a task you know they can do
themselves, they’ll thank you in the future. I fell many times from my bicycle
even after I learned how to ride it properly, just because I tried some stupid
tricks on wheels. Every time there were admonishing and reprimands but the
bicycle remained my companion throughout my school and college days.
My parents treated us
as independent entities
Along
with the desire to help children get on the right track in life, it's also
important to maintain a balance and remember that children are people in their
own right. My parents felt that excessive protection of children may delay
their development and prevent them from being able to think for themselves,
solve problems, and cope with difficulties. Therefore, they made sure to let us
feel that they we make our own decisions. This helped us to develop
preferences, a unique taste and an understanding of the impact they have on our
lives. My siblings were very different from me, but that was expected, and
there was never any comparison.
They would never
"extinguishing fires"
Many
parents treat parenting as a "fire-fighting" task and conduct
themselves every day in a way that enables them to take control of specific
problems as soon as possible. However, finding the quickest solution as soon as
possible does not meet the ultimate goal of raising children to become
successful adults. They have to learn to fight their own small battles, and
hold yourself back for bigger wars. Perhaps, that occasion will never come.
Once the preliminary parenting sermons were spelt out we were let off the hook,
and even if we fared or behaved badly, our parents acted as role models and not
fire fighters. Once in a schoolyard fight I busted the nose of a school mate. I
was made to go to his home in the evening and apologize in front of his
parents. His father had a hearty laugh and told me “to kya hua, larke to sab kam lark e karte hain” (so what? Boys
always settle differences with a fight!}
My parents three
Commandments: efficient, stable, friendly
Nice writeup 👌👌👌
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