BEING ALONE AND BEING LONLY ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS

 

 

Last year, in one of my blogs I had mentioned the value of idle relaxation in life and stressed the fact that it is certainly not equivalent to wasting time:

https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2020/06/idle-relaxation-is-not-wasting-time.html

 

Today I wish to ponder on another set of conditions that are often confused – being alone and loneliness. There is a world of difference between being lonely and being alone. Loneliness is a negative feeling of isolation, sadness, and is never by choice. But being alone and spending time with our own self is invariably by choice and it substantially adds to our mental growth. Alone time can be cultivated and made enjoyable and peaceful. You can turn the hours spent on your own into a time of recharge and growth, rather than waiting for the next ‘thing’ to happen.

 

Being part of a group, be it family, friends or colleagues, means that we are often more likely to go along with what the group is doing or thinking. But this may not always be the action that we would take, nor would it be a decision that we would make had we been on our own.

 

 

Why time alone is vital?

While I enjoy spending time with my loved ones, I do treasure moments when I am alone, disconnect from the distractions around me. I cherish these occasions as they give me those precious opportunities to tune into and reconnect with myself. Seeking solitude is something that I take the time to do often, and being alone with myself has had its benefits on my health and well-being too, contributing to both physical and psychological effects. It is often the most productive part of the day when I can plan newer surgical strategies, innovate newer teaching tools and do deep thinking on a topic which so far was in the periphery of my imagination radar.

 

In today's constantly connected world, our minds are continually on 'on' mode, whereby, we hardly give our brain a chance to rest and replenish itself. Spending time alone, however, with no distractions, is one of the best ways to clear the mind. It enables us to focus, to think more clearly and it also gives us the opportunity to revitalize, not only our mind but our body too.

 

Vipassana

Vipassana is one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques and an extreme form of spending time alone in complete solitude. It was popularized 2500 years ago by Gautam Buddha. Vipassana means "to see things as they really are". It is a logical process of mental purification through self-observation. 

 

Seeking solitude takes us away from distractions and interruptions that bombard us every day. Without these distractions, we are better able to concentrate, thus enabling us to get more work done in a shorter amount of time, clear the cobwebs in our mind and search for the most perplexing problems deep within our own mind.

 

So what do we do in time alone?

This is my time of ticking off my ‘to do list’ – read that book, visit that place, listen to that music and so on! Everyday chores, responsibilities, as well as stress and worries, can often get the better of us. This constant motion, of feeling as though we continually have something to do or to think about, prevents us from engaging in deep thought and reflection. But not taking the time to reflect on our life can often inhibit creativity and lessen productivity.

 

Constant incoming information either through electronic means, or from actual people keeps us engaged all the time. This makes us so much preoccupied that we tend to postpone our personal problems and desires. Seeking solitude gives us the time to think through our thoughts and our issues and get our life sorted out to the best of our liking. Spending time alone gives us a better understanding of who we are and what we desire in life. It also enables us to make better choices about who we want to be around. And, we also tend to become more appreciative of the relationships that we do have, once we have spent time alone.

 

The big confusion

So how do you explain to people who are of the view that being alone amounts to loneliness, which is the worst curse of life and a modern epidemic for the elderly? They will point fingers at people who have never married or lost their spouses and pity them saying “It’s just the same every day. I don’t look forward to it”!

 

Social loneliness is felt when we do not have a confidante and are unable to get support from peers, colleagues, family, or friends. Emotional loneliness is more likely when there is a lack of intimacy in close, exclusive relationships with one’s romantic partner, parents, or kids. Loneliness, in its different forms, can lead to despair and depression.

 

I think there is a huge confusion here – their loneliness is by compulsion of their habits and circumstances, while I am advocating an occasional ‘me time’ by choice.  If we are less likely to know our neighbours and less likely to have dependable friends the problem is with us; we are creating boundaries around ourselves and sequestrating ourselves into loneliness. Being alone, on the other hand, is an occasional choice which we make to recharge ourselves.

 

How to be alone constructively?

1. Shift the Narrative and get rid of the stigma: As a society, we are conditioned to value socializing. Having friends and spending time with them is normal and enjoyable. I don’t mean to take away from the importance of friendships, but what I am emphasizing is that wanting to spend time with our own self is perfectly normal and extremely necessary. So the first step to embracing your alone time is letting go of the stigma attached to it.

 

2. Schedule the Time: For some people, the packed schedule of everyday commitments just doesn’t have enough space for quality me time. If friends, both real and virtual are eating up a lot of your time it is time to re-schedule. Make it a point to give your alone time a place of importance, and it is not just a filler between events. It is a conscious choice you are making for your own wellbeing!

 

3. Stay Away from Social Media and gadgets: One of the biggest mood killers and time-wasters, when you’re relaxing by yourself, is social media. Seeing what others are up to or checking emails might interrupt your peace of mind. If you have already made the time to enjoy your own company, you would do yourself a favor by putting your phone aside for a bit.

 

4. Get Creative: Being on your own is the perfect time to let your thoughts wander. We rarely have the capacity to think freely without any external interruptions. Give your thoughts and ideas an outlet by practicing your creative field of choice. It might be writing, painting, cooking, playing an instrument, or even small house repairs. Being creative is one of the most satisfying feelings there is.

 

5. Talk and Listen to Yourself: The time you spend alone gives you the chance to process things that happened while you were out there in the social world. Pay attention to the thoughts and emotions that come up, that you may not have noticed before. This awareness can make you better prepared for your upcoming social interactions, too. Whether the problem in hand needs coaxing, cajoling, gentle persuasion or strong action with pros and cons of each action is best planned now.

 

6. Plan Ahead: Reflecting in your time alone can often lead to thoughts about the future. Whether planning your day or your next trip this can only make you better prepared for eventualities. Figure out what your personal goals are and how you would go about attaining them. Take care of short-term goals first, and then make sure you’re on the right track for long term ones.

 

7. Go Out and About: There is something very liberating and special about doing something you would normally do with others, by yourself. Go to the movies, go out to dinner, or visit a museum. No one will ask for ‘a bit’ of your kebab, or argue on what film to watch. It might be scary at first, and some of us can feel self-conscious about being in public spaces on our own. It might help to remind yourself that people are not as engaged with you as you think. They’re just doing their own thing, the same as you.

 

8. Observe: If you have decided to go out for tea, or any other outdoor activity, don’t take out your phone and pretend to be busy. Look around you, watch the flora and the fuana, look at the sky and the street and watch the people around. You’ll be amazed at the things you’ll notice.

 

9. Learn Something New: Time alone is most profitable when you utilize it for learning something new. Always wanted to learn a language or how to play an instrument? There is no better time to start!

 

10. Realize You Are Self Sufficient: One of the biggest upsides to getting comfortable with your own company is that it makes you more attractive to others! Learning how to rely on yourself leads to a feeling of independence and confidence. There is nothing wrong with relying on your loved ones when you need to, but relying on yourself is an invaluable skill.

 

Benefiting from solitude starts with carving out a ‘me time’ in the first place. This is a skill that can be difficult when balancing relationships and work. Often it means negotiating with your family for time and space to be alone. It helps to explain that everyone will benefit if you get some time to yourself, because you’ll feel recharged and ready to reconnect.