REMEMBERING MY MOTHER

 

My mother was the smartest person I've ever known, not because she had a high level of education, but because of her attitude, experience and wisdom. She was born in an affluent zamindar family in Dhaka but after partition of our country when her parents came to Kolkata with their ten children their world turned upside down. She did her graduation from Calcutta University and was married to Baba and in a family which also had migrated from Dhaka and had 10 children, some of whom had children who were elder to my mother! She and Baba then came to Uttar Pradesh and lived in Allahabad, Banda and eventually settled in Lucknow. 

My mother was not only good in the art of mothering, but as a mother-in- law and later as a grandmother she excelled many times more. As if not satisfied by the results of her efforts of bringing up us, her two sons and a daughter, she went head on into the business of being an extremely busy mother-in-law and then an excellent grandmother. Her lifelong habit of frugality and her obsession with education moulded our choices and our lives.

My wife Neeta had completed her MBBS and was planning to do her M.D.in Radiodiagnosis when we got married. While welcoming her as a new bride she was explicitly told by my mother that her academic career should be her first priority and household chores are not for her.  Even when Ananya, our elder son was born except nursing him Neeta had very little to do with the child who would spend all his time with his grandparents. I was preparing for my M.Ch examination in Plastic Surgery and Neeta was appearing for her M.D and after our hospital duties when we returned home, our only job was to study. Yes, there were household helps but my mother was the conductor of the orchestra. A continuous supply of coffee, milk with Bournevita or Horlicks, fruits and snacks would keep on coming, the mosquito repellent would be sprayed, the room would get cleaned and the clothes would get washed and ironed as if like clockwork.

Later when we successfully cleared our exams she purchased new clothes for all – servants, gardener, driver, washerwoman, safai karmchari and asked Neeta to present it to them as if signaling a change of guards. She counted the salary of each of them and asked Neeta to pay them with her own hands. It was now for the first time Neeta came to know what was the salary of each of these helpers and it was my mother’s way of telling everybody that the new boss was taking over.

Ananya however remained my mother’s responsibility. Both of us had started practicing in private and once again my mother groomed us for the new job. She explained the anxiety of the sick and the frustration with busy doctors who had no time to listen and insisted that in order to become good doctors we should try to be good human beings. She would often say that if we could help just one person every day we will be helping so many in our lifetime. This was also the time when Ananya started going to school. In one of my previous blogs I had elaborated a very interesting incident that happened between my mother and Ananya’s class teacher. If you have not read it please do: https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/search?q=A+class+teacher%27s+home+visit

Right from my childhood days till the very last day my mother used to share her thoughts, ideas and life lessons with us. Those were pre television days and so books were our constant companion. I was a Bengali child, being brought up outside Bengal and so she took it upon herself to teach me how to read and write Bangla, introduced us to Bangla poems, dramas, dance-dramas, stories and novels and eventually to the huge collection of books that our parents had acquired over their life time. The reason that I enjoy reading anything from Sukumar Roy’s Aabol Tabol to Satyajit Roy’s Felu-da to Gurudeb’s Rabindro Rachanabali is because of this addiction to books which my mother inspired me to acquire.  I can honestly say I would not have been the person I am today without her. She was an excellent singer, singing in All India Radio and her only regret in life was that none of her children could learn this art from her.

The benefits of her wisdom were not just confined to members of my immediate family. Our friends, classmates, cousins, distant relatives and our neighbours of more than 50 years, who are actually a part of our family now, have all benefited from her wisdom from time to time. Such was her power of love that she was the mother in law to not only Neeta but to the wives of both our neighbours because by the time they came to their respective families as brides their mothers in law had already left this world and they both looked up to my mother as the only mother in law they ever had.

Ours was a double storied house and during the floods, which ravaged Lucknow twice during our childhood, all friends and their friends who were having single story houses would take refuge in our first floor and roof as our ground floor was too submerged in flood waters. Today I must give credit to our parents that even in those grim days of tragedy they made the atmosphere look like a giant picnic and my mother and her friends were mostly responsible for this. While Baba and his friends would go out in boats to help others, distribute stuff like bread, biscuits, eggs, milk powder and potatoes and help those marooned by the deluge by relocating them in higher places my mother and her friends arranged for our food and place to play and sleep.

Later as a grandmother my mother played an even better second innings. She was by now an expert in child development, nutrition and inter-personal relationships and our two children became her final masterpieces. Though she never took up an office job ever in her married life my mother had a 24 x 7 job, which was easily the most challenging in this world and repeatedly producing tangible benefits for the whole world to see and appreciate. Today when I look back I can think of so many of her life advices which have remained a guiding light for her next two generations. I will briefly try to summarize them for you. I hope they will help you as much as they have helped me.

1. Breathe in the future, breathe out the past: Dwelling in the past is a sign of stagnation. It means your best days are behind you. No matter what you’re going through, remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel but you will have to reach that end. Never expect, assume, or demand anything - just do your best, control what you can, try what you can’t but don’t fuss about stuff you can’t control.

2. Others should accept you for who you are: You are beautiful and unique and you have a purpose in this world.  Don’t change for other people. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes and you know it won't be well-received. Your contribution is vital, so if you hold that back, the whole world becomes a little less amazing. When you’re true to yourself, you add beauty to the world – beauty that was missing. Walk your path confidently and proudly - don’t expect anyone else to understand your journey. Make people accept you the way you are.

3. Life will surely change you, let the change be for the good: People go through many ups and downs in life, and it changes them. You are no different. Your perspective will change, your likes and dislikes will change, your social attitude and political views will change, and that is all normal. But let the change make a better ‘you’. You don’t have to be better than anybody; you just have to be better than your younger version. You will still remain the same person, just stronger and wiser.

 4. Never lose hope: Whatever happens, hold on to hope. Learn from everything and don’t be afraid to make the same mistake twice, if the rewards are worth it and if it will help you to grow. Perseverance paves way to success, which is what Robert the Bruce learned from the spider while hiding in the cave! 

5. Life should be simple: Focus on one thing at a time. You don’t have to do everything, and you don’t need to please everybody. If what you are about to do will make you happy, give your 100% efforts but remember, if it is just to please others, it is optional. All you need to do is focus on one thing at a time. Be present, be active, do the best that you can.

6. Choose happiness, not wealth: There is a big difference between knowing the price of things, and knowing the value of things. In the end, you will come to realize that the best days are the days when you don’t need anything special to make you smile and the best things in life are often things that money can’t buy – love and friendship.

With family and friends

7. Never blame circumstances: Your misery or unhappiness is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude. Smile at those who want to hurt you - show them that they can’t take away your happiness from you. Your willpower is stronger than you know and soon you will create favourable circumstances and circumstances will not be able to mould you. It is your decision to be happy or unhappy. Every time life places obstacles in your path, give life a big grin, accept the obstacle’s existence and overcome it with joy. Make the decision to be happy, stand by your decisions and do whatever is in your power to keep them. This is the true secret to happiness.

8. Pay close attention to those you care: Put a high price on your time you spend with your friends and family. If people remember you only when they are in trouble, value this relationship because the other person trusts your judgment.  But, at the same time, do not expect reciprocity and get upset if they are not there when you need them. Helping others in need is a reflection of your character, not theirs.

9. Never expect, assume, or demand: Selfless love and acts of kindness and help are always treasured by your soul even if it is forgotten by the receiver. Remember you are doing it for your happiness, not theirs. They don’t have to do anything in return.

10. Learn how to let go: Being too possessive of a person or a belonging or even a habit is a mental sickness. When time comes, learn to say a timely ‘good bye’. Holding on to old ideas, old things, old places and old possessions are detrimental to progress in life. Learn to set a loved one free to allow them to grow and evolve. Every little sprout must leave the greenhouse and be planted in a larger pot to grow to its full size and bloom. It is not what you do for your loved ones that will help them grow, but rather what you taught them and how they use that knowledge.

11. Learn to get rid of the dead wood: Sometimes getting results means stripping yourself of people that slow you down. They can keep us stunted, not out of malice, but because they want to keep you down at their level. As much as you may love them, these people can make it a lot harder for you to reach your goals. Keep the wonderful memories you had with them, but move on to achieve your happiness.

12. Don’t be afraid of trying the impossible: “I can’t believe I did that”, is much better than, “I wish I did that.” People will judge you according to your actions, that’s why instead of trying to impress and please everyone, follow your heart and do what you want to do, without fear. If you know you will regret not doing something, just do it. Even though I did not know anything about agriculture we purchased a farmland because we wanted our children to know where the food comes from.

13. No happy ending may actually mean a new beginning: If you can't find your happy ending, maybe it’s time to look for a new beginning. We all fail from time to time; it's just a part of life. Don’t be stubborn; just accept it. The strongest people out there are the same people who have fought the toughest battles, lost, and moved on to a new beginning. Never be afraid to leave everything and start anew, you still have time, no matter what your age may be. Aspire to make the most out of whatever time you have on this planet.

14. Value people more than objects: Loyalty is cultivated over years and always value it. Old suit, old cars, old houses are all dispensable but old friends and old work associates are not.

15. Ma Durga has plans for you: Everything that happens is for the best, be it significant or otherwise, joyous or sad, anything that happens will end up being in your favour. It will build you up and helps you grow. Life will take you places, show you things, heal you and make you into a better person. In the end, everything is just a small part of life’s larger plan to turn you into whom you’re supposed to be, a better person.

16. Prepare the next generation to smoothly take over: A graceful handover of power, a steady shift of duties and responsibilities both at work and at home are vital. Accept the next person as a different person and not just an extension of yourself. That is poor planning because the new generation will bring new ideas and create a better world. 

 

My mother and my mother in law

My mother was an angel upon earth. She was a minister of blessing to all human beings within her sphere of action. Her heart was the abode of heavenly purity… She was the real personification of female virtue, of piety. She was never just a housewife. She was the dominant partner in our extremely busy family firm of ‘parenting’ and a highly proficient functionary in a service vital to mankind - motherhood!