NEITHER I AM FROM MARS NOR IS SHE FROM VENUS

 

 

Recently you must have seen an advertisement on the television of a forthcoming TV serial in which the husband and wife are sipping tea when the husband asks the wife rather innocently “what are you thinking?” She in turn asks him “guess what”. He says “about your mother?” She replies “I have long stopped thinking about her”. He then says “About Suhana?” She replies “I always think about Suhana. Right now I am not thinking about her”. He then asks “About us?” She retorts “I do not want to think about us any more”. He then wonders “Now this is a problem,” to which the wife replies “the real problem is in good old days you could guess what I was thinking in your first attempt”! My wife thinks it is a very romantic advertisement but I simply can’t see the romance in it. I think it is degrading the lady because her horizon of thoughts was so restricted once that the husband could make a correct guess in his first attempt every time and even today he thinks that she can only think of her mother, her daughter and her spouse! The fact that I can never understand what my wife is thinking is because her horizon of thoughts is so vast and her world of imagination so diverse that I have no chance of having even a clue what she is thinking. And it is because of this versatility of thoughts and richness of ideas and fertility of imagination that I am so proud of her!

 

It should come as no surprise that men and women are fundamentally different, and one of the differences that stands out the most between the sexes is the way in which they tend to communicate. This is why you'll often find many women complaining that the men in their lives just don't know how to listen.

 

If my wife tells me how romantic it would be to ride a gondola on a moonlit night I would immediately agree and say “Yes!” but I will never interpret this conversation in any other way. If she wants to go to Venice for our next holiday, she will have to say it in so many words, and I will arrange everything. Women often tend to speak using emotionally-driven language that men find it hard to decipher. Men tend to be more straightforward and practical when they need something, while women tend to express their needs through how they're feeling at the time, since they tend to be more acutely aware of their surroundings.

 

 John Gray, author of ' Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,' says that “when a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.”

 

The art of conversation with a lady requires as much understanding as it does listening. Men, by nature are problem solvers. If they can't come up with an immediate fix to a given problem, then it may cause them to become frustrated or stressed, which is why some men tend to zone out of such conversations. They feel that emotionally-driven conversations are dumping an additional heavy load onto their shoulders that they're not quite sure how to deal with. Take the emotion out and give them a task, they are back in a familiar territory.

 

All happily married men know that they need to agree with their wives. Most women are involved with a thousand different things on a daily basis. They can simultaneously be mothers, daughters, wives, employees, and business owners, to name just a few. Sometimes all that they want is acknowledgement for the tireless work that they're constantly doing. Men, on the other hand, tend to want to forget their troubles after a long day. They can switch off as soon as the work ends and are usually not in a mood for heavily-loaded conversation topics which the wife may have planned for the evening. But if a husband can patiently hear, what he feels is trivial but the wife feels is not, then even if it means interrupting the ongoing IPL match, it is worthwhile for future peace.

 

Men are good at fixing things. They instinctively like to repair things, so when a woman presents a problem that she doesn't want fixed, it can tend to confuse most men. Men just want the women in their lives – mother, wife, daughter, to be happy, and discussing unfixable problems aren't usually perceived as being helpful for anything or anybody. If something can't be fixed, particularly if it is of little concern to the family, then men feel it would be better to focus on something that can be. A recalcitrant neighbor, an acquaintance who is back on drugs after returning from rehab, are stuff which men like to put in a basket labeled ‘not my concern’.

 

 Men aren't incredible multi-taskers, and usually tend to focus with laser-like precision on one issue at a time. That's why when a woman brings up a new topic while a man is already preoccupied with something else, the response might not be quite what they were expecting. This is no reason to be alarmed though, as they'll be back to their normal selves as soon as they've got their primary concern out of the way. A smart wife recognizes these moments and leaves their husband alone. The news about the shirt which the dhobi brought back with a large singed hole or the domestic help's pregnancy leave can wait a bit.

 

Let's face it; many women can easily outtalk a man. When a woman asks for a man's opinion, and then doesn't agree with his honest answer, she may immediately take over the conversation again, without allowing the man to give a complete explanation. If men and women could both agree to listen without interrupting, then life would be a lot easier for everyone involved because just like women, men too do not like to be interrupted.

 

I have a huge problem conversing from another room. Since women are far better multi-taskers than men, it makes sense that they'd be able to hold a conversation with someone who's in a different room. I, on the other hand, find such conversations far more challenging. I need some obvious visual prompts to look out for, otherwise the meaning of the conversation could be easily lost for me. In order to have a meaningful conversation with me my wife now knows that it's best to wait until I am right in front of her.

 

When dealing with a lot of stress, women tend to rapidly bounce from one subject to another. They are all over the place. As a result, men often end up baffled, trying to work out how each topic connects to the others, even if they're not meant to. In short, it would be far more constructive for women to talk about one topic at a time, making their conversations with men a great deal more fruitful. I must say we achieved this rather soon in our household.

 

But despite all these differences time spent together is the greatest tutor and men and women learn a lot from each other. That is why grey divorces come as a surprise to me and I find it very difficult to understand why after being married for 27 years some people no longer believe that they can grow as a couple? There must have been some common good things in life that they must have done together all these years and enjoyed doing so!

 

Enjoying each other’s company and finding these common likes and dislikes are vital in any relationship. We, me and my wife, both hate gossips couldn't care less about what goes on in the celebrity world. We both are miles away from work place politics and we are both avid foodies and we love music. Our ‘to do list’ and ‘to visit places’ are more or less similar but I never even dare to guess what she is thinking. Our friends say that together we make a formidable team!