My dear Ananya,
As the day of your engagement approaches, I am prompted to write a few words of advice to you, not because they are necessary but rather because I tend to the verbose. I have known your mother for 35 years now, and have been married to her for the last 31. Looking back partly because of my intelligent choice and mostly because of the grace of God, I am convinced that I could not have made a better choice! All these years have been full of struggle and toil and sweat but because we had each other we enjoyed the journey and never endured it. So I, as a father who is perhaps otherwise none too wise, am immensely qualified to offer these tiny gems for what they may be worth to his fledgling prior to the momentous occasion.
In the last 31 years I have learned some things along the way – important things; vitally important things to maintain a relationship. I have learnt the need for trust, respect, honesty, equality and communication in a relationship. Your mother is not just my wife, she is my best friend and despite the presence of you and your younger brother, she remains the most important person in the world for me.
To trust the other person with yourself is vital in any relationship. To respect the dignity of another human being at all costs is non-negotiable. To seek the truth and be honest, always is of paramount importance. And to recognize your spouse as different, but equal is absolutely essential. Above all, to keep the communication channels open, even when you don’t feel like it is the only way to tide over the most difficult times.
If you remember these things, almost any differences – and there will be plenty of those – can be resolved in a mutually beneficial way. Marriage is nice in the planning stage but is not easy in the execution stage. Sometimes it’s a challenge to remember those vows, even on a day-to-day basis. But it’s worth it. Human beings were made for companionship, to work in partnership, to experience love.
And remember that you can love someone but not always like them. Go easy on yourself; you’re only human. And so is Aditi. No one is perfect, and no one has all the answers. Everyone has good days and not-so-good days. But when the two of you work together, you’ll get through just about anything that life puts in front of you.
Remember, too, not to lose yourself in another person. There’s that wonderful part of the two of you that no one else can touch, but it’s so important to allow each other your own identities as well. You’ll be Aditi’s husband, our son, Aayush’s elder brother, Nani’s grandson, Mausi’s and Kaku's nephew …but you’ll also always be simply Ananya, with your own interests apart from those as a couple. The Ananya who never loses himself, yet becomes better because of his partner in life. That’s so important. Your and Aditi’s association should mutually enrich both of you.
What does one say about the joys and pitfalls? The joys are obvious, the pitfalls less so. While honestly I don’t remember when I had a difference of opinion with your mother that is not so because we did not have one but because she did not let me realize that there was one. We have always let the past rest in the past. Once you have resolved something, don’t keep bringing it up to re-hash it. That’s not fair. Once it’s done, it’s done. End of story. No name calling; don’t let the sun go down on your anger; no mind-reading; and what you say at home stays at home.
Remember, too: don’t keep score; marriage is a partnership and it is not a competition. It’s a partnership of equals. And don’t be afraid to ask for your own space…everyone needs to breathe, some times more than others. Also remember that your happiness is not Aditi’s responsibility – you are responsible for your own happiness and her as well. As for drama – well, keep that to a minimum. And don’t let friends or well wishers interfere – period.
I wish you happiness and joy, contentment and peace. But most of all, I wish you love. Always love!
We love you,
Baba
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