NOW, HOW DO I SAY THIS?

 

As a surgeon we have to do this once in a while with our colleagues, with our patients or with their relatives.  A colleague who is not living up to our expectation or having inter personal issues with other team members, a patient who has been diagnosed with a life threatening disease or a life changing morbidity or concerned relatives of patients in the intensive care, all these are situations that deserve a serious and difficult conversation. Everyone dreads difficult conversations.

 

Having to deliver unpleasant news, discussing a delicate subject, or talking about a situation that was offensive or hurtful can be daunting. You may be uncomfortable with setting limits or worry about how the other person will react. While all of that is completely natural and normal, these conversations cannot be avoided altogether. In fact, putting them off for too long can potentially let the issue grow worse. Discussing difficult matters in a respectful way is an immensely important part of any healthy relationship, whether it’s a friend, an employee, a relative, or a significant other.

 

Approaching difficult conversations correctly will not only raise the chances for a positive outcome, but it will also make you feel more at ease before and during the talk. Mental health and communication experts have a few things to say about this which I intend to share with you.

 

Prepare ahead and be as clear as possible

To prepare for the conversation, you need to first identify the problem you are about to raise. To do so, ask yourself the following questions:

1.      What exactly is the behavior that is causing the problem?

2.      What impact does that behavior have on you (or the group/organization)?

3.      What do you want to accomplish by having this conversation?

It’s important that you maintain clarity for yourself so that you’re able to articulate the issue concisely to the other side. Confusion or hesitation could make the situation more awkward, and derail the conversation in a direction you didn’t plan on and that isn’t productive in solving the problem at hand.

 

It is important to use specific examples for your concerns and the things you’d like to happen differently. Avoid words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everything’ or ‘nothing’. These words may express your frustration, but they over-generalize and aren’t helpful in the communication process.

 

Don’t wait too long

When a friend or a relative does something that offends you, it’s best to discuss the challenging issue as it comes up or soon thereafter. It’s never helpful to hold onto feelings of anger, frustration or resentments for days or weeks, and then unleashing them on another person all at once. Discussing an issue when it’s still fresh in your mind will usually make for a calmer, more grounded conversation.

Similarly, an unfavourable test result or a poor prognosis should be conveyed to the patient and his/her relatives well in time so that they have the option of seeking a second opinion.

 

Manage the emotions

You might be coming to the conversation with a bag of emotions like anger or frustration. It’s important that you express how you feel, but try not to fixate on these emotions and let them run the show. Speak as calmly in a matter-of-fact tone as possible. That being said, don’t block emotions completely out of the conversation. Being human is most important, more important than being robotically correct. If the other person seems annoyed, saddened, or even starts to cry, these emotions should be acknowledged and respected, not ignored.

 

Don't be afraid of silences

There will be moments in the conversation when silence occurs. Don’t let it faze you and don’t rush to fill it in with words. These silences are helpful; they allow us to really hear what was said and let the messages sink in. Some people are uncomfortable with silences and that is understandable, but it’s important to be prepared for them when approaching a sensitive conversation. A constant flow of words can come across as steamrolling or overbeating. A pause also has calming effects and allowing these moments is likely to lead to a better outcome.  It is not every day that a son hears that his mother’s condition is deteriorating and we may lose her. Let the information sink in a somber silence, it does not need many more words.

 

Give the other person your full attention and respect

When the other person is speaking, consciously listen to what they are saying, with the intent of hearing them. That is very different from waiting for the other person to finish speaking so you can respond. To achieve this, you must approach the conversation with a genuine interest in solving the problem, rather than prioritizing the need to be “right”. If you see the conversation as a competition where you need to be right, it means the other person must necessarily be ‘wrong’. This kind of either-or mentality makes reaching a mutual understating much less likely. If you are not sure what the other person said or meant, ask for clarification before you respond. For example, “I’m not sure what you mean. Can you please help me better understand?” Making the other person feel heard will prevent the conversation from turning into an argument.

 

Choose your time and place

We already established that if you need to have a challenging conversation with someone, it’s best to plan it out rather than just walking into it spontaneously. The time and place can make a big difference in the other side’s willingness to accept and hear what you are saying. Choose a relaxed location and a time that suits both of you, so no one is under any external stress. For example, if you approach the other person right before they have to meet an important deadline or you have a class to teach, the additional stress you both are under can affect the conversation negatively. Telling someone “we need to talk” helps to signal that time needs to be set aside to have the conversation.

 

Give it time

Keep in mind change doesn’t happen overnight. You might reach a big breakthrough during the conversation, or have an eye-opening moment, but chances are both parties will need time to digest and reflect. So give each other the space needed for that. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t feel like everything is perfect right away. What’s important is that both of you expressed how you feel respectfully, and are on the same page.

 

Drop your assumptions

Even if you know someone through and through, it doesn’t mean you can always predict what they are feeling and thinking. Ultimately, you can’t control how the other person will react to your effort to engage them in a challenging conversation. People grow and change, and their needs and expectations change over time too and need to be renegotiated. So it’s best to drop any assumptions before walking into the conversation in order to be truly open-minded and accept the outcome. This is even more important with those you have come to know only recently and that too under adverse circumstances and mental stress. Keep reassuring them that you are with them and your help is unconditional and uninterrupted but they need to know the truth.

 

Having these conversations promptly, however, helps us to cultivate our integrity, and helps us to develop the courage and honesty we need to address the hard moments ahead in our futures. To many of us, it can seem easier to avoid an issue, rather than to address it. Tough talks are no walk in the park, and they can leave us feeling anxious, stressed and desperate for a way out. The problem, however, is that these conversations are often the most important ones we can have. Avoiding the tough stuff will only get you so far in life, as life is made up of tough stuff. By learning how to brave hard conversations now, you’ll be better equipped for the next conflict you face, or the next situation that calls for an addressing of uncomfortable issues and emotions.

WISHING ALL AND NOT ONLY THE WOMEN HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!

 

International Women's Day is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. This is a contribution over and above their true and priceless contribution of creation of mankind for which we will always remain indebted! The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender justice. Notice that I am not using the often used phrase ‘gender parity’ for truly there can be no parity with the creator; the world owes them justice and deserving place in both our lives and our society. Significant activity will be witnessed worldwide as groups will come together to celebrate women's achievements or rally for women's empowerment.

The world has witnessed a significant change and attitudinal shift in both women's and society's thoughts about women's equality and emancipation. Many from a younger generation in developed countries may feel that 'all the battles have been won for women' while many in the developing world know only too well the longevity and ingrained complexity of patriarchy. With more women in the boardroom, greater equality in legislative rights, and an increased critical mass of women's visibility as impressive role models in every aspect of life, one could think that women have gained true equality. The unfortunate fact is that women are still not paid equally to that of their male counterparts, not even Tennis stars and golfers, women still are not present in equal numbers in business or politics, and globally women's education, health and the violence against them is worse than that of men. However, undoubtedly great improvements have been made. We do have female astronauts, fighter pilots, nuclear scientists and prime ministers, school girls are welcomed into university, women can work and have a family, women have real choices.

History:

International Women's Day (IWD) has been observed since the early 1900’s. This was a time of great expansion and turbulence in the industrialized world that saw booming population growth and the rise of radical ideologies. Great unrest and critical debate was occurring among women. Women's oppression and inequality was spurring women to become more vocal and active in campaigning for change. In 1908, 15,000 women marched through New York City demanding shorter hours, better pay and voting rights. In accordance with a declaration by the Socialist Party of America, the first National Woman's Day (NWD) was observed across the United States on February 28. Women continued to celebrate NWD on the last Sunday of February until 1913.

On the eve of World War I campaigning for peace, Russian women observed their first International Women's Day on February 23, the last Sunday in February. Following discussions, International Women's Day was agreed to be marked annually on March 8 and this day has remained the global date for International Women's Day ever since. In 1914, further women across Europe held rallies to campaign against the war and to express women's solidarity. Russian women began a strike for "bread and peace" in response to the death of over 2 million Russian soldiers in World War 1. Opposed by political leaders, the women continued to strike until four days later the Czar was forced to abdicate and the provisional Government granted women the right to vote.

International Women’s Day in the U.N.

International Women's Day was celebrated for the first time by the United Nations in 1975. Then in December 1977, the General Assembly adopted a resolution proclaiming a United Nations Day for Women’s Rights and International Peace to be observed on any day of the year by Member States, in accordance with their historical and national traditions. The UN announced their first annual theme "Celebrating the past, Planning for the Future" which was followed in 1997 with "Women at the Peace table", in 1998 with "Women and Human Rights", in 1999 with "World Free of Violence Against Women", and so on each year.

2011 saw the 100 year centenary of International Women's Day - with the first IWD event held exactly 100 years ago in 1911 in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland. In the United States, President Barack Obama proclaimed March 2011 to be "Women's History Month", calling Americans to mark IWD by reflecting on "the extraordinary accomplishments of women" in shaping the country's history.

The India story

We have been celebrating International Women’s Day since 1913 and have surely come a long way, but we have miles to go. While the country has produced a woman President, a woman Prime Minister, a woman speaker, innumerable women scientists, doctors, engineers, artists, journalists, teachers and legal luminaries, gender justice is still nowhere round the corner. The ingrained patriarchy in our society makes our girl child’s life endangered right from the foetal stage till her advanced age. Female feticide, high infant mortality rates, eve teasing, rape, unequal educational options, unequal job opportunities, inconsiderate labour laws and a fear of orthodoxy and khap culture all together are keeping the better half of our society in shackles. Not only do we require a better climate for them to bloom to live their dreams and achieve their fullest potentials but we need a change in the attitude of the men folk to appreciate the true ‘nari shakti’. We cannot become a developed nation if half of our population is not allowed to contribute to the fullest. Having a President or a Prime Minister once in a while then becomes simply symbolic tokenism and an aberration.

There's no place for complacency. According to the World Economic Forum, sadly none of us will see gender justice in our lifetimes, and nor likely will many of our children. Gender parity will not be attained for almost a century.

There's urgent work to do - and we can all play a part, not just the women.

IS WEST BENGAL SEALED IN A TIME CAPSULE?

 

 

A rich history of excellence in art, music and culture, an entire league of role models from all spheres of life and fertile climate for new and revolutionary ideas to take birth, thrive and prosper has taken a heavy toll on the state of West Bengal. From Thakur Ramkrishna, Swami Vivekananda, Ravindranath Thakur, Kazi Nazrul Islam, Rishi Aorobindo, Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar, Raja Rammohan Roy, Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose, Acharya Jagdeesh Chandra Bose, Acharya Prafulla Chandra Roy, Bankim Chandra, Sharat Chandra Chattopadhaya, Prasanta Chandra Mahalanobis and Satyendra Nath Bose to Nandlal Bose, Jamini Roy, Mother Teresa, Sister Nibedita, Ravi Shanker, Uday Shanker, Satyajit Roy, Hemanta Kumar, Uttam Kumar and Suchitra Sen the list of luminaries this state has produced is unending! Instead of this history becoming a source of inspiration to achieve newer heights it has become a restraining weight around its neck, not letting the state embrace the privileges of modernity. Bengal, which was once the symbol of India’s intellectual freshness, is dying a slow death due to its crumbling social infrastructure, lack of jobs and economic stagnation. Over the past few decades, West Bengal has degenerated into ‘Waste Bengal’

Bengal’s intelligentsia or the ‘buddhijibi’ (as they are known in Bangla) hardly ever talks about the state’s economic decay, shut industries, the unimaginable political violence during elections or lack of jobs, as for them, their favourite pastime is reminiscing about the illustrious past. A state of cultural arrogance prevails despite the prevailing stagnation and doom.

When it comes to the state’s politicians invoking Bengali pride and sub-nationalism has been one of the distinct traits of West Bengal’s politicians, who stir up such sentiments to cover up their administrative failures and to gain a political upper hand. Be it the Left Front a decade ago or Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee’s Trinamool Congress now, invoking Bengali pride has been their go-to answer to the state’s colossal problems. Bengalis are, however, stuck in a time-warp, refusing to even talk about the state’s problems.

We Bengalis spend too much time in intellectualizing simple issues, debating on non-issues, and procrastinating instead of working towards a better life.

History

While Bengal was on the forefront of our freedom struggle, after partition it just fell apart. Punjab too was divided and still by sheer determination and hard work it was soon on road to recovery but Bengal still holds the grudge of being wronged! One cannot however ignore some facts of history which pulled back Bengal while other states prospered and surpassed this state.     

Moving the national capital from Calcutta to Delhi: In 1905, Bengal was partitioned by Lord Curzon to counter the power of Hindus. This brought a strong opposition from the Hindus, the event that led to the rise of a strong freedom movement. Anxious about the consequences the British moved the national capital out of the Bengali heartland to reduce the influence of the revolutionary Bengalis in the national scene. Bengal never recovered from the loss of grace.

End of World Wars: World Wars affected Calcutta in many ways. During the war, the Calcutta economy grew as the city became a center of production for things related to the war. Birlas and other trading communities really used the opportunity to build factories. However, at the end of the war, demands dropped and factories were left under-utilized. Then in 1943 in the later stages of the Second World War came the Churchill induced Bengal famine.

Partition: The riots leading up India's partition in 1947 deeply scarred Calcutta and rest of Bengal. West Bengal was cut off from the key port of Chittagong and many of the fields of East Bengal (now Bangladesh). Until 1947, jute processing and other factories were in the west and all the farms were in the east. The partition put both sides at a huge disadvantage.

Freight equalization policy:  In 1952, Indian government introduced this policy by which if you open a steel plant in Mumbai, the government will give you iron ore at the same price as you get at the source in Jharkhand. It was done to spread the industrial development all over India, while raw materials were primarily available only in eastern India. So now businesses in the rest of India were no longer compelled to move to Bengal to tap its coal and iron ore. They could set up in their home states, mostly in the west and south. 

Naxalbari movement: Unlike many other states, the West Bengal government after independence didn't push enough to abolish the discriminatory zamindari system that allowed landlords to wield too much power. This slowly fermented resentment among Santals and other tribals leading to a major riot in Naxalbari in northern Bengal. That eventually led to the Communist revolutionary Naxalite movement that disturbed much of Bengal. Armed struggle and unrest further alienated investment in the state.

Communist sentiments: Sick of Nehru’s and Congress’s apathy towards West Bengal the Hindu upper castes in Bengal shifted much more towards Communist party and this spooked the remaining businesses in the state. In 1968, there was an "Ashok Kumar Nite" at the Rabindra Sarobar Stadium which was attacked by goons. The women were dragged away and over the next couple of days their naked dead bodies found in the neighborhood. The CPI(M) leaders including Jyoti Basu justified this, calling it the rise of the proletariat against the decadent capitalists and petty bourgeoisie. Consequently both of these categories of people left the state, where most of them had lived for 3 or 4 generations, in a tearing hurry.

Aditya Birla was dragged out of his car 500 meters from his office (outside the WB Secretariat known as Writers' Building), his clothes torn off, and he was made to walk to his office in his underpants. Industries closed down, businesses fled, professionals left and work opportunities evaporated. Education standards went downand the future compromised. Even the labor fled to other progressive states.

Exodus of industry: The worst face of communism was the damage it did to the prospects of the labour force, which it intended to protect. The abundance of freedom instigated labourers to organize protests and gheraos halting production. Strikes and rampant lock outs were common norms in the state. No wonder why a whooping number of industries were forced to shut down. Much later when Tata wanted to enter again with its Nano factory in Singur, Mamta Banerjee forced them to leave their partly constructed factory and the Bengali voter rewarded her for her indiscretion by promptly making her the Chief Minister!

Deluge of refugees: While the partition in 1947 saw the first deluge of refugees the war for the liberation of Bangladesh in 1971 saw West Bengal's population just doubled from 4 Cr to 8 Cr. These 4 Cr People had no place to stay, no food to eat. The Left Front Govt. came in 1977 and they had to do something for these 4 Cr people and so they brought about the land reforms. They didn't allow anybody to die unfed, and that truly was an achievement but this sudden population deluge further pushed back the prospects of this now even more densely populated state.

A problem of perception: For an outsider the perception of Calcutta is that it is a troublesome, lazy city where shopkeepers sleep in the middle of the day and people leisurely jaywalk busy roads. The Bengali elite have not worked significantly to change this wrong impression and this impedes outside investments. The television images of protests, bandhs, strikes, political killings and the news of ‘protection money’ and ‘tolabaji’ by locality goons under political patronage has not helped either. The fact that there are equally ambitious and aspiring young men and women waiting for an opportunity to contribute to nation building and prosper is not appreciated by the industry.

Tinkering with Education: This was perhaps the biggest blow the state had to suffer in the hands of the CPM.  They successfully implemented a system to brainwash students into unions. Elite institutions like Jadavpur University and Presidency University became political hotbeds and communist echo chambers. There are many virtues of student politics but when it overwhelms academics in educational institutions then it benefits only a few who see their future in politics. And eco chambers invariably hinder a 360 degree world view and overall development of the mind.

Poor urban development: Kolkata still remains the only metropolitan city and magnet for all job seekers in the state. Siliguri, Jalpaiguri and Darjeeling have limitations but also opportunities which are still to be exploited. Successive governments have failed to change the prospects of Malda, Murshidabad, Asansol, Durgapur, Burdhawan and the call for clean energy will further hurt the coal belt.

Animosity with the Centre: The last time the state was governed by the same political outfit which was ruling the Centre was in 1977 when the Congress rule since independence ended and Communists came to power. They stayed till 2011 when Trinamool Congress replaced them. Congress did everything to strip Bengal of its industries and even stopped investments in Bengal, particularly after the communists came to power. The communists destroyed what little industrial work culture was left in Bengal and when they did manage to convince Tata to come to open the Nano factory in Singoor Trinamool took up their disruptive politics. Neither the leftists not the TMC saw eye to eye with successive governments in Delhi. This animosity has been perpetual, ongoing and extremely harmful to the people of the state.

So what is the way out of this quicksand?

An urgent course correction is required today for a better tomorrow.

1.   

1. The state needs to reverse its industrial decline. Bengal was once an industrial powerhouse. But years of trade unionism and government’s criminal apathy dealt a severe blow to industrialization, leading to many big industries exiting Bengal. Lack of industry and jobs have hurt educated Bengalis the most as they’ve been forced to migrate in search of jobs. Bengali intellectuals, especially the state’s young population, must support and encourage industries and businesses as much as they can.
2. Bengalis have to give up the sense of victimhood and act as virtuosos and if cultural pride and arrogance is coming in the way there should be a serious retrospection. If anybody can turn the fortunes of the state then shunning them as ‘outsiders’ is foolish. West Bengal belongs to India just as the entire India belongs to Bengal.
3. Bengal needs to invest massively in its health infrastructure. The state has failed miserably in tackling the current pandemic with one of the lowest testing rates and one of the highest fatality rates. So many Bengalis are travelling to Chennai, Mumbai and Delhi for treatment because advanced healthcare is either absent in public sector or costly in private sector and central healthcare schemes are disallowed by the state!
4. The politicians in Bengal need to be Bengal centric and learn to work silently for their state. They have a lesson to learn from their neighbour Sri Nabin Patnayak in Odisha who is doing wonders and not hankering for power in New Delhi. A successful Chief Minister automatically acquires the image of the forthcoming Prime Minister provided they can transform their state, we have seen this happen in 2014.
5. Development and minoritism do not go hand in hand. When resources are scanty they have to be judiciously spent for the salvage of the last person in the line (Antyodaya) irrespective of his/her religion, cast, creed and language.
6. Development is not possible in an environment of corruption, particularly if it is omnipresent from the highest corridors of power in the state to cut-money and tolabaji in the streets. There is enough for everyone’s need but there is not enough for a few people’s greed. This environment with all its characters will have to be replaced lock, stock and barrel.
7. The perception of Bengal needs to change in the country. People think Bengalis are not enterprising by nature. They prefer jobs over business. They prefer education over money. When schemes like Mudra yojana has helped many to start their own small businesses there were not many takers in Bengal. In this context the New Education Policy with emphasis on Skill Development should be given wholehearted support.
8. The atmosphere in educational institutions need to change and the ambience should be less toxic.

The Nation is waiting patiently for Bengal to rise and shine once again not only for the sake of all Bengalis but for the sake of all Indians. The cancer of discontent, anger, frustration and protest must be uprooted by Bengalis themselves. The Nation is hoping and praying for saner senses to prevail and for Bengal to prosper. The state has to come out of its self constructed time capsule as soon as possible.