TRAVEL TIPS FOR SENIORS

 

My MBBS batch mates taking a dip in the Gangesin our 40th reunion!

 

Travelling the world is my passion and a huge learning experience for me. My policy has always been that traveling is fun, and let it be just that. Plan it well, but don’t get obsessed by your plans and disheartened by minor irritants. Enjoy them, as they become your travel stories to tell. I have missed flights, missed baggage, lost boarding pass (when they were printed on paper), misplaced wallet, sprained my ankle, ordered horribly wrong food, been duped by travel agents but I regret none of them. My advice to you is be careful and avoid the major glitches and be sure to start planning for the next holiday as soon as you are back home from one.

As we get older or tolerance for the unexpected unfortunately decreases. We want everything planned to perfection, but experience has taught me that perfect travel plan is a utopian dream, one that is never fulfilled. Yes, I will always advise you not to make major mistakes to ruin your holidays and I have written a blog on this subject:

https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2019/10/dont-ruin-your-holiday.html

Another blog, which again comes from my experience, is travel tips for all age groups.

https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2017/09/travel-tips-for-all-traveland-tourism.html

Travelling can be an exhilarating and fulfilling experience, but it also presents unique challenges, particularly for seniors, and this blog is all about travel tips to seniors. Surely, the tips to all age group hold true for seniors as well, but they are special, and also especially vulnerable.

 

Long trips, unexpected schedule changes, and unfamiliar environments can lead to added stress if not carefully planned. While younger travelers often adapt quickly, older adults may require additional precautions to ensure their journeys are safe, comfortable, and enjoyable. Fortunately, with some thoughtful preparation and effective strategies, seniors can travel with confidence. So, here are some practical tips to help senior travelers stay organized and make the most of their trips.

 

1. Keep medications easily accessible

Managing medications while traveling is a top priority. Seniors should always keep at least a few days’ worth of prescriptions in their carry-on bags. This ensures they won’t miss a dose if their checked luggage is delayed or lost. Liquid medications may require special clearance at airport security, so getting a doctor’s note in advance can help avoid unnecessary trouble. Having a list of medications, dosages, and doctor contact information is also useful in case of emergencies, especially when visiting another country where replacement prescriptions might be difficult to obtain. Additionally, seniors should consider carrying a small pill organizer to keep medications organized. If they have complex medication schedules, setting reminders on a phone or a travel alarm can be helpful. Pharmacies in some locations may not have equivalent substitutes, so carrying a sufficient supply for the entire trip is always a wise decision.

 

2. Stay active to prevent discomfort

Sitting for extended periods during flights, car rides, or train journeys can cause stiffness, discomfort, and even serious health risks such as deep vein thrombosis (DVT). Know all about DVT in my blog: https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2024/06/deep-vein-thrombosis.html

Booking an aisle seat is always useful. It allows for easy movement, making it easier to get up and stretch regularly, and also go to the washroom without disturbing co-passengers. For road trips, it’s important to schedule breaks every couple of hours to walk around and loosen up. Simple leg exercises, even while seated, can improve circulation and reduce the risk of complications.

Hydration also plays a key role in preventing stiffness and fatigue. Seniors should drink plenty of water to stay hydrated and avoid excessive caffeine or alcohol, which can contribute to dehydration.

Wearing compression socks may further help in reducing the risk of blood clots during long journeys.

 

3. Prepare for airport security checks

Airports can be stressful, especially with strict security measures. Seniors with medical devices such as pacemakers, artificial joints, or prosthetics may set off metal detectors, which can lead to additional screening. Having a physician’s letter or medical identification card can help clarify any concerns at security checkpoints. Knowing the security protocol and procedures ahead of time can also ease anxiety and make the process smoother. To make security checks more efficient, wearing slip-on shoes and avoiding excessive metal in clothing or accessories can save time. Arriving early at the airport ensures there’s no rush, allowing seniors to go through screenings at a comfortable pace.

 

4. Choose destinations wisely

Not all travel destinations are equally accessible for seniors. Some locations have limited healthcare facilities, rough terrain, or inadequate public transportation. Before finalizing a trip, it’s important to research the area to determine whether it suits the senior traveler’s needs. Kailash Mansarovar trek is for the youngsters as the air is thin at higher altitudes and seniors staying at sea levels or plains may find breathing very difficult if they are not used to such altitudes.

Seniors should check if their accommodations have elevators, ramps, and other accessibility options. They should also consider how easy it will be to get medical help in case of an emergency.

Weather conditions should also be taken into account. Extreme heat, high altitudes, or harsh winters may present additional challenges. Seniors should choose destinations that they can comfortably explore without straining themselves.

 

5. Pack light and use luggage wisely

Heavy suitcases can make travel unnecessarily difficult. Seniors should pack only what they need and use rolling luggage for convenience. If a trip involves multiple stops, having a smaller carry-on bag with essentials like toiletries, a change of clothes and important documents can reduce the need to haul large suitcases frequently. Seeking assistance from hotel staff or using airport luggage services can help prevent strain and injury. Packing cubes and vacuum-seal bags can maximize space and keep belongings organized. Choosing wrinkle-resistant and versatile clothing minimizes the need for excessive outfits, making packing more efficient.

 

6. Be cautious with public Wi-Fi

Many seniors rely on free Wi-Fi to stay in touch with family and friends while traveling, but unsecured networks can expose them to security risks. It’s best to avoid checking sensitive accounts, such as online banking, while connected to public networks. If internet access is needed, verifying the official Wi-Fi connection with hotel or café staff is a safer option. For added protection, using a virtual private network (VPN) can help secure personal information. Carrying a portable hotspot or using mobile data for important tasks can provide a more secure way to access the internet. Seniors should also enable two-factor authentication on important accounts before traveling.

 

7. Carry copies of important documents

Losing passports, tickets, or identification can create major setbacks. Keeping extra copies of these documents in phone or as hard copy can help speed up replacements if anything goes missing. Seniors should carry both physical and digital copies of their travel documents. Scanning documents and storing them in a secure email account or cloud service ensures that they can be retrieved if needed. Having emergency contact information and addresses written down can be helpful in situations where electronic devices fail or get lost. A small travel pouch for organizing documents can make access easier.

 

8. Ask about senior travel discounts

Many airlines, hotels, and attractions offer discounts for older travelers, but they don’t always advertise them. Carrying an ID or passport can help secure these savings. Seniors should also ask about special rates when booking flights, transportation, or accommodations. Travel organizations like Make My Trip and Yatra.com often have exclusive deals that can make trips more affordable. Booking in advance and checking for bundle deals may offer additional savings. Signing up for airline loyalty programs can also provide benefits such as priority boarding or extra baggage allowances.

 

9. Consider travel insurance

Unexpected health issues or travel disruptions can be costly, making travel insurance a smart investment. Many standard health insurance plans do not cover medical expenses abroad, so seniors should look for policies that include emergency care and evacuation coverage. Insurance can also protect against trip cancelations, lost baggage, or unexpected delays, offering peace of mind throughout the journey. Reviewing the fine print of policies ensures that seniors get the coverage they need. Choosing plans with 24/7 assistance services can be helpful in case of medical or logistical emergencies.

 

10. Consult a doctor before traveling

A pre-trip medical check-up can help ensure that seniors are fit for travel. Any chronic conditions, recent surgeries, or necessary vaccinations should be discussed with a doctor. If traveling to a country with potential health risks, seniors should be informed about recommended immunizations and any precautions they should take during their stay. Doctors may also provide advice on managing jet lag, dietary restrictions, and adapting to different time zones. If you are going to trek then let your doctor reassure you that you will be safe in that altitude. Carrying an updated health summary can help medical professionals abroad in case of emergencies.

 

11. Travel off season

I love travelling off-season. With good protective clothing and plenty of me time in the tourist attractions, National Parks and art galleries you are bound to see something most tourists never will. The locals have more time for you to share their stories and off-season has its own culinary delights that await you! You have the freedom to change your schedule on a whim and not suffer the consequence of paying more for a bus ticket or a hotel room. I have in the past written about the joy of off-season travel. Please click: 

https://surajitbrainwaves.blogspot.com/2022/08/the-joy-of-off-season-travel.html

 

12. Don’t rush

Instead of a busy travel schedule with Expedia or Sita Travels, plan your own trip at a leisurely pace. Go to a place and stay there for some time to enjoy its physical beauty, its culture and its cuisine. Rush-rush trips are not for seniors. If you love to drive and are comfortable driving on the right side of the road then only rent a car. Otherwise use public transport and eat where locals do. Spend time with the locals even if you don’t understand their language. A judicious combination of English and hand signs usually does the trick. You can also use your phone’s language translation software like Google Translate to  communicate and locals invariably help. Remember ‘smile’ is the universal key that opens all locks in this world.

 

Every trip I take, whether in India or overseas, I enjoy, I experience and I learn. I started travelling in my teens. My taste of travel, purpose of travel, my choice of destination and my modality of travel has changed. Low cost 3 tier sleeper coaches in Indian Railways and Aeroflot air tickets with long stops in Moscow were once my choice, because that is what I could afford, but I have no regrets. I enjoyed them too. Today I can sacrifice economy for comfort and pamper myself with an occasional spa experience, which once was a useless luxury. But the quotient of enjoyment is certainly not related to the amount of money spent. It is all about the state of mind.

DOI, DAHI, DADHI, CURD OR YOGURT – A WONDERFUL FOOD

 

 

Every Bengali lunch or dinner ends with ‘doi’ and ‘mishti’. While the latter refers to a wide variety of most delectable and mouth watering sweets, doi is dahi or curd. The nearest thing to curd, available all over the world is Yogurt. Both curd and yogurt are fermented milk products, Curd is typically considered a more traditional, homemade version of yogurt, often made with natural bacterial cultures, whereas "yogurt" usually refers to a commercially produced, pasteurized product with specific added bacterial strains for a more consistent flavor and texture; meaning they can be different, particularly in terms of the bacteria used and production method. In almost every Indian household, the curd is prepared by curdling milk with natural acidic substances like old curd (jamun). On the other hand, yoghurt is fermented with artificial acids and it usually cannot be prepared in our kitchen.

Curd is eaten as it comes, usually with sweets – Rasogulla and Sandesh or it is uded to make delicious fish preparation, doi mach, or marinate mutton and chicken, or make raita or curd-rice.

Types of Dadhi

Ayurveda mentions seven types of dadhi

1.      Madhura dadhi – sweet in taste. It is prepared by fermenting fresh milk at room temperature for 6 to 8 hours

2.      Amla dadhi – sour in taste. The fermentation time is 12 to 14 hours. This stimulates digestion and apetite

3.      Atyamla dadhi – excessively sour in taste. The fermentation time is 24 hours. This has therapeautic use in Ayurveda

4.      Mandajata dadhi – partially set and fermented for 4 to 6 hours only. It too has medicinal use in Ayurveda.

5.      Shrytaksheera dadhi – made from boiled and cooled milk, fermented for 8 to 10 hours. This is the commonest dadhi, for regular consumption

6.      Asara dadhi – This is made by skimming off the cream before fermenting it. It has lower calorie and is easy to digest.

7.      Sara dadhi – It is prepared from cream rich milk by allowing the cream to form at the top during fermentation. This has high calorie and is best for nourishment. 

 

Benefits of Dadhi

Curd or Yogurt is a great food to consume. It helps with digestion, gives us a good energetic feeling and tastes wonderful. But not many people know that it has many other benefits.

1. Protects our teeth

The lactic acid in yogurt has a positive and protective effect on our gums and teeth. It can help keep our teeth healthy and pretty and overcome the damage done by other foods and drinks, most commonly - coffee. It's important to note that although it contains sugar, yogurt has no harmful effect on the enamel of our teeth.

2. Reduces allergy symptoms

Those of us with seasonal allergies know how hard it can be to do anything once the symptoms start to appear, but a cup of yogurt might be an easy fix to this problem. The probiotics found in yogurt may decrease body’s reaction to pollen and other allergens, minimizing allergic reaction.

3. Great pre or post workout snack

Yogurt is rich in carbohydrates that can either help re-fuel the body throughout workout, or replace the energy lost after we are done. The potassium and sodium found in it can also help replace those electrolytes we sweat out and keep us feeling fresh even after a hard workout.

4. Fights the common cold

The common cold will always be there, not much we can do about it. But there's still hope for preventing it in time. Curd or yogurt can strengthen our immune system, making our T-cells stronger and more active. They are more prone to beat the sickness out of  our body before it drags on too long.

5. Prevents yeast infections

If you are given a prescription for antibiotics, you might want to consider yogurt to protect yourself. Using antibiotics usually raises the chances of yeast infections and the yogurt’s active cultures can help balance pH levels and prevent this uncomfortable problem.  The good bacteria in the gut, which fall victim to the antibiotic get replaced by the good bacteria in yorurt.

6. Reduces the risk of high blood pressure

A recent study, conducted over the course of 15 years, revealed that 30% of volunteers that took at least 2% of their daily calorie intake from yogurt, were less likely to develop high blood pressure. That's only from 2%!

7. Helps prevent osteoporosis

All milk and dairy products are in general a great source of calcium and help build healthy bones. Look for yogurts with added vitamin D for greater help in keeping your bones strong and healthy. With homemade curd we can add Vitamin D as a supplement.

8. A great source of energy

Aside from the energy provided by the carbohydrates in yogurt, it also contains B vitamins which are just what your body needs when you feel like you could use a little pick-me-up.

9. Builds muscle

Yogurt contains all of the essential amino acids necessary to build muscle and other tissues in the body. It is a complete protein, which means it is also a welcome addition to our diet as they support all the necessary biological functions of the human body.

10. Helps you lose weight

Yogurt helps build muscle and this means that it helps burn fat. The high amounts of protein will also help one to stay fuller for longer periods of time while reducing the need for snacks and unhealthy foods.   

11. Skin and eyesight 

Curd contains vitamin A, which helps maintain healthy skin and eyesight. 

12. Fight Dandruff 

Curd has anti-inflammatory properties that can help treat dandruff and other scalp conditions. Topical application, holding on for 5 minutes and then shampooing it off is all that is needed.

 

One should always keep an eye open on the sugar content in yogurt. Many kinds of yogurt contain added sugars and artificial sweeteners that you do not want. Stick to 12-18 grams of natural sugar per serving and you're free to sit back and peacefully enjoy a cup of the good stuff! However. 'mishti doi' or 'Poyodhi' once in a while, is simply criminal to deny!

LIFE LESSONS FROM KUMBH

 

I am not an overtly religious person, but when the greatest religious congregation on planet is taking place just 200 Km away from home, going to the Triveni Sangam in Prayagraj to take a dip in the sacred Ganges on the occasion of Maha Kumbh was the most natural thing to do. We chose three days in between two important Amrit Snans, to avoid the mad rush but enjoyed our stay thoroughly. We would walk in the sand to observe the variety of sadhus and sanyasins and absorb the atmosphere and it did not take long to realize why so many people are staying in tents for weeks together in this chilly winter and doing kalpavas. Kumbh is a symbol of faith of millions of devotees since time immemorial. This is the holy Sangam where faith meets history and Sanatan Hindu Sanskriti paints the cultural kaleidoscope of Bharat.

History 

Kumbh has a mention in Vedic manuscripts and the importance of Prayag, because of Kumbh is mentioned in the hymns or 'richas' of  Rig Veda. Atharva Veda mentions the 'Amrit Kalash' spilling Amrit in four places where Kumbh is held and the 'swasti vachan' uttered by seers in Kumbh are hymns from Yajur Veda. Kumbh is the pitcher that spilled the Amrit and hence the name.

Hiuen Tsang or Xuanzang visited Prayag in 644 CE and wrote about Kumbh in his Si-Yu-Ki where more than 500000 people gathered and Raja Harshavardhana helped in organizing it. Abu Fazl of the Muggal court of Akbar documented Kumbh Mela in his Ain-i-Akbari and wrote that alms given on this occasion ensured richness and prosperity in the next life. Mark Twain visited the Kumbh in 1895 and was mesmerized by the religeous gathering. British journalist Sir Sydney James Mark Low described the 1906 Kumbh and the significance of Magh Mela.

 

Even today you can find what you seek. A Sadhu generously offered me his chillum, an earthen pipe to smoke a wide variety of intoxicants, and one breath full sent my head into stratosphere switching on a thousand bulb chandelier inside my head for the next 5 minutes! There were many who stayed back with him, but I kept exploring the various colours of our culture.

I have, in one of my previous blogs, written about the Kumbh Mela that was held in 2019. That was Ardh Kumbh and was attended by almost 200 million. If you have not read it, then please click: https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/8750887136313953221/3742068849669316841

The one this year is Maha Kumbh, an unique celestial configuration that occurs once in 144 years! More than 500 million people have already visited the Mela and taken a holy dip and two busy weeks are still left for it to end!

 

In one of the gatherings, a sadhu, whose name I could not find out, was delivering a very profound and soulful lecture on what stops us from leading a happy life. He was young and he spoke Queen’s English to translate what he was saying in Hindi, because there were quite a few foreigners in that gathering. To some from Latin America he effortlessly conversed in Spanish too! So, this is what he said that evening:

What stops us from living a happy life?

1. The person you talk to also has a high opinion of themselves, just like you do

Always remember that the person you are speaking to has their own views and their own reasons. Every person you speak to fights a battle you know nothing about. So always make it a point to respect other people. 

 

2.  Happiness is a result of a well-organized life.

Joy, success, and happiness are a result of a well-organized life. This concept maintains that in order to reach these sensations and state, you need to do things. On the contrary, if your goal is to reach these side effects, you most probably never will do so, since happiness and success aren't things that you just get.

 

3. How can anyone help you if you are not doing anything yourself?

A person is defined by their action, words are impalpable. You can't expect help from others, without having had made the effort yourself. For example, if you just tell people you are going to write a text book, you can't expect to get help if you haven't begun the process yourself. But when you finally decide to write a chapter and show it to other authors, whom you think are worthy co-authors, you will find many people who are ready to support you. 

 

4. Hard feelings disappear when you become successful.

Grudges tend to form because we are unsatisfied with ourselves. When we hold a grudge against someone, we think that the only person who can fix it is the person we are upset at. But if you say to yourself 'my success outshined my grudges’, you can start by doing what you love, and work to become successful at it. At that moment, you will notice all your grudges disappear. 

 

5. Do you want to see your biggest enemy? Look in the mirror!

Most people tend to fight other people's demons, but in reality, they should be fighting their own. The only enemy we really have is ourselves. You can't get out of this situation without breaking the barriers that don't let you grow and develop. Each of us exists in very strict boundaries that society has created. We take these rules for granted and believe them to be true. But in doing so, we lose a lot of our energy. In addition, we fail to realize that we are fighting with ourselves, and unfortunately, the last enemy we will ever encounter is ourselves. 

 

6. Look for the right path instead of the straight and easy path.

Bear in mind that the right path may not always be straight and almost certainly will not appear to be easy either. While we sometimes wish and hope that life is smooth sailing, it's not always as simple as a straight line. Consider this example: Imagine that you are on the 30th floor and you need to go down. The fastest way is to go through the window. But the wiser choice will be to take the elevator or the stairs.

 

7. A goal sharpens the vision. Set a goal.

Our attention is limited. This means that our minds only begin to notice the things that we need. This is what usually happens when we set a goal. Setting a goal is very much like setting the focus on a camera. If you set it wrong, you won't see what you really need.  If the goal is big and complex, then break it down into smaller and less intimidating goals. Eventually you will achieve the bigger goal.

 

8. If you want to prove something to someone, it means that you live for that person.

Searching for happiness? Stop trying to prove that you are right. Why attempt to change someone's opinion about something? Is their opinion more important than yours that you need to put in the effort to change it? If you live your life for yourself there is no point in trying to prove anything to anyone. 

 

9. The ability to love and accept loneliness is a sign of an emotionally mature person.

We do the best things when we are alone. The people who can't stand being alone are the ones that hate themselves. They often think that being with a crowd will make them feel better. But a person who is mentally mature uses their alone time for self-development and to collect information they can later share with others. Communication is not only taking, but also giving something that might be interesting to other people. 

 

10. Happiness is when what you WANT, CAN, and MUST do are the same thing.

People are generally torn in different directions. They feel that they must, but don't want to or they want to, but are unable to do so. But all a person truly needs to do is to develop themselves, everything else is extra. The things you want to do should be regulated by the things you must do, and what you can do is a force that moves the entire system. Focusing on these three directions will help you sort your goals and values properly. 

 

Did I understand everything this sadhu said? May be not; but a few things became crystal clear. There is a lot more to life than what we are leading today. Happiness is within us and all we have to do is search it. It is not in material things, it is not in people, and neither is it in places. It is with us, all the time, and we are running away from it by trying to search it everywhere else.

 

We enjoyed 3 days in Kumbh. The mela parisar is vast and it is fun to walk for miles together meeting and assimilating India in all her glorious colours and different variety. From Sadhus who have never uttered a word in this millennium to those who can converse in more than 10 Indian and foreign languages you meet them all. Their looks, their attire, if they have one, their ornaments and fashion accessories, and their choice of food, drink and smoke all differ. Some belong to the pre-historic era while some were equipped with computers, AI, smartphones and WiFi

 

It feels sad to see people doing strange things to their body in the name of religion. Perhaps I am not spiritually evolved enough to understand how burying oneself up to the neck in the ground can please the Maker. He/She surely gave us the human body for a better purpose! But, these freaks are exceptions. The majority of humanity that has gathered here is flowing like the Ganga herself, with the spirit of divinity, faith and complete surrender. When you see people bringing their parents on their shoulder, just like their children, for the holy dip, you realize what family values mean to us Indians. No one is complaining of crowding, no one is going hungry or thirsty, no one is bothered about the long walk to the river and back, and there are no travel agents, no priests and pandas, no forced donations or authorized prasad dealers.

If you fail to make a trip to Kumbh you will certainly not miss salvation and mokshya, but you will definitely miss the opportunity to see how happy, contended and blissful India is, despite what the media would like you to believe.

 

Mission Kumbh accomplished!!

 

OUR GOLDEN JUBILEE - A HEATED CONVERSATION

 

 

Our batch of ’75 Georgians is about to celebrate our Golden Jubilee later this year in December, and as you would expect with a bunch of achievers, our opinions on most matters differ widely, even though we all want a memorable reunion. To me, reunion is about coming together under one roof, staying together under one roof, and eat, drink and be merry. We all are now senior citizens and our numbers are fast depleting, so such reunions may not be many in days to come. Destiny brought us together fifty years ago, and we still enjoy each other’s company, so much so that if I visit a city for business or for pleasure, I make it a point not only to meet all my batch mates in that city but also, at times staying with them.

 

The arranging of the forthcoming meet has however had a turbulent beginning. We are expecting more than 120 batch mates to attend the Golden Jubilee reunion and in peak tourist season of December no city hotel is offering us more than 70 rooms except Ramada, which is 35 Km away fron our Alma mater and city centre. Some of us think this is a boon as all of us can stay and enjoy together, but there are others who feel the distance is a bane and they will be forced to stay away from the city, thus restricting their mobility and independence. Arranging two hotels in the city is an option, but that will mean that the group will not be staying all together, and the available facilities in the two hotels may differ vastly. The locals are divided too – some want to stay at home and spend the day with friends in the hotel, and some feel it is irresponsible to pack the visiting batch mates in a hotel and staying in the comfort of their homes. We are all senior citizens and God forbid, if someone requires some urgent local assistance in the middle of the night, how will they manage if we are sleeping in our homes?

 

Though money is not that big an issue at our age, but we will get maximum attendance if we can keep the budget in check. Ramada, the far away resort is offering a far better deal and we will be having AC buses for city transport too. If we stay together the organization becomes easier, staying in two different hotels is a recipe for sure confusion. At the end of the day we will go with the majority, but will also risk leaving a not so happy minority.

 

When we’re in the middle of a heated argument, it’s very easy to quickly lose control of ourselves. We will often say things that we don’t mean, or we may do something that we immediately regret, and when this happens we have damaged the trust and respect in such a way that it’s difficult to get back. This is the potential cost of any argument that we get ourselves into. The more heated they are, the more difficult it is to rebuild a positive connection with the other person in the future. So how can we prevent our arguments from spiraling out of control?

 

There are books on this subject worth reading

The great book “Crucial Conversations” is a fantastic guide on how we can face these arguments better – wherever they happen to be.  When we are in the middle of a heated argument, we feel as if we are being personally attacked. This gets our blood pumping and engages our “fight or flight” response. This adrenaline rush makes us act impulsively and recklessly, and at this point we stop thinking of ways to have a healthy conversation – we just want to attack or run away.  

The book describes the social version of our “fight or flight” response as “silence or violence.” These are the two main ways that we respond to a heated argument. When we choose the “silence” option, it means we start becoming quiet, watering down our opinions, or apologizing for our beliefs. When we choose the “violence” option, it means we will start throwing insults, yelling, and becoming aggressive. Both of these responses are a means to cut off any meaningful dialog.

To get back to meaningful dialog, the goal is to make both you and the other person feel “safe” again. The more comfortable you both are, the more productive the conversation will be. Establishing safety is a key aspect to defusing heated arguments before they head in a direction no one wants. To me, these are some ways that this can be done.

 

How to Defuse Heated Arguments

The goal of any conversation is to create a “shared pool of meaning.” This means making sure that everyone feels safe to speak their mind and contribute to the conversation. To create this “shared pool of meaning,” we need to make the conversation as safe and as open as we possibly can. The more information that is shared, the easier it is to connect our views with someone else’s views.

However, once we start drifting away from these feelings of safety, we tend to resort to “silence” or “violence.” These are conversation killers that we need to get rid of before meaningful dialog can start up again. So, it is vital to remember certain key points:

1.  Pay Attention to the Signs of Silence

Silence is one way that we cut ourselves off from meaningful dialog. Signs of silence include

·        taking back what we say (“withdrawing”)

·        not speaking our minds (“avoiding”)

·        watering down our message (“masking”).

 

2. Pay Attention to the Signs of Violence

Violence is the other way that we cut ourselves off from meaningful dialog. Signs of violence include

·        cutting people off (“controlling”)

·        judging things as good or bad (“labeling”)

·        using insults (“attacking”).

 

3. Seek to Bring Things Back to Safety

The earlier we can identify the signs of “silence” and “violence”, the easier it will be to handle them before they spin out of control. If we can notice these signs, we can bring the conversation back to a safer place.

(i)                Start with What You Agree with - One of the best ways to bring a conversation back to safety is to start with what you agree with. Good conversations begin with “yes” or “I agree” – not “you’re wrong.”

(ii)              Tell the Facts Behind Your Story - When we want to share a story with others, it’s very important that we stick to the facts without making accusations or conjectures. There’s a big difference between saying, “I noticed this weird charge I your behaviour” versus “You’re always contradicting me!” Explain your version of the story and why you believe and feel the way you do.

(iii)            Give People Permission to Tell Their Story - Just as we need to tell our stories honestly, we need to encourage others to tell their story honestly as well. When we’re all honest, the “shared pool of meaning” grows. However, you need to make the other person feel safe enough to tell their story without feeling judged or ridiculed. Ask them, “Tell me what you really think, I won’t get mad.” Then listen to them and try not to get upset.

(iv)            Discover a Mutual Purpose - When we get into heated arguments, we often lose track of what we’re really arguing about and what the “bigger picture” is. It’s very important to take a step back and try to find a mutual purpose.  What do I really want from this? What does the other person want? Are we focusing on what really matters?

 

All of the above advice is designed to bring our conversations back to safety and open up a richer shared pool of meaning. The more freely information flows between us in a respectful and honest way, the easier it is to have a healthier conversation. So, if you just happen to be someone who struggles with having healthy conversations, especially in difficult circumstances, try your best to remind yourself of the principles, and put them into action.