AM I FALLING SHORT OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS?

 

Whether you are a student or a teacher, a friend or a spouse, a sports teammate / coach or a business partner, there is always a mountain of expectations from you. If you fail to deliver there is disappointment but if you do then the expectations mount. Even more is then expected from you! This is a serious challenge and can lead to burnout of even the best professional, what to talk of ordinary persons!

We've all been there - trying to do something good for someone else and failing in our goal, or wanting to help in a certain way but being unable to. When we looked at what happened to the other person, we saw a disappointed face, and as a result, we were also disappointed in ourselves. If this has happened to you even once in your life, especially during childhood and with your parents, you may still fear disappointing others and causing them to see you in a negative light. This fear isn't always justified, and in fact, it prevents you from being happy or living as you should. It's normal to want to help others, but not when it comes at your own expense or when it accompanies anxiety about failing in this goal.

I organize meetings, conferences, get-togethers quite regularly and every such organizational challenge is unique. The demands of a speciality conference are very different from that of a batch-meet. In the latter you know every person personally for the last several decades, whereas in the former the attendees are very diverse in age, affordability and seniority. Keeping up to the expectation of every person responding to my invitation and attending these meetings is necessary, but may not be easy. Over the years I have realized that you can overcome this overwhelming feeling and learn how to stop fearing disappointing others by simply performing to the best of your ability.  

 

1. Accept the fact that you will never do enough in the eyes of some people

It may be hard to hear and accept, but you must remember this important fact: if your goal is to please everyone, you are doomed to fail. Even if you act in the most correct way possible, there will always be people with a different perspective who see things differently.    Whether friends, family members, or even strangers, everyone has his or her own opinions about what's right and what's wrong. This also applies to our opinions about success and happiness, and each of us has different values that suit our character. Nothing in the world is perfect, and if you try to be perfect in the eyes of others, you will definitely fail, so don't let it bother you too much.

 

2. Analyze your behavior

Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at yourself from the outside - ask why you behave in a certain way, where your fear comes from, what causes your anxiety, and why. If necessary, consult a senior colleague or even professional therapist to help you do this, or write these questions down and try to answer them yourself - it helps!   Teachers are particularly vulnerable if they have taken up the mission of addressing a bunch of perpetually disgruntled and laggard students. The paralyzing fear of disappointing others is normal, but it's not an inherent trait you can't overcome, and the way you feel and think is more related to what's happening in your mind than to anything else. Once you resolve these issues with yourself, you can get rid of the heavy burden on your shoulders that demands pleasing the people who matter to you on one hand, but on the other hand, arouses fear in you.

 

3. Set boundaries with others

If you feel that you need to please everyone, one of the most important steps for you is to set boundaries with others; don’t let anyone mistake your kindness for weakness. While there is nothing wrong with helping others and wanting the people around you to be happy, if you are eager to help everyone to the point where you are being taken advantage of and it’s hurting you, you need to take control of the situation and learn how to say "no" when necessary. You have nothing to feel bad about. The person you say "no" to might be disappointed, but it's necessary for your own well-being. Otherwise, you'll end up disappointed in yourself.

 

4. Don’t take others' reactions to heart

The way people react to our words and actions is often not related to us, but to their own mind and the things they are going through in their lives. For example, if a friend invites you to an event and you’re afraid to say "no," it’s because you don't want to disappoint them. Perhaps you've experienced a negative reaction before, and you're worried this person might react the same way they did last time, but you need to remember that it’s not about you.   It’s possible that the person simply made certain plans and is now upset that they fell through, but that doesn’t mean they’re angry with you- they're angry that their plans didn’t work out, and their plans are not your responsibility. Additionally, you can’t expect someone else to jump for joy when you give them an answer they don’t want to hear, so it’s clear that their reaction will be negative, even if they don't show anger and only express mild sadness. Don’t try to overanalyze people’s reactions to you, instead, base your actions on your own values and needs.

The chatter in the social media should never influence your best practices. Get the drift from this chatter, but do not take it very seriously, because no one knows your constrains and circumstances better than you. There is no scope of argument, simply ignore and perform at your best level.

 

5. Reevaluate your values

If you want to get rid of the fear of disappointing others, you first need to understand exactly who you are and what your values are. This isn’t as easy as it sounds, and it takes time to do such an analysis because we are never standing still, but always changing, growing, and maturing. However, it’s important to do this and understand what we want from ourselves and from the world. You'll likely discover that pleasing others at your own expense isn't truly necessary, which can help alleviate the pressure you feel. Circumstances in life might have taught you to take everyone along at the cost of accepting and suffering mediocrity, but others might have different values, shrug off those not up to the mark, and choose to go alone. Both are right, and both sets of values demand respect.

 

6. Be the person who appreciates you

Before you even seek approval from others for your actions, you must be able to appreciate yourself. This will naturally lead to you feeling more empowered. Often, we don’t actually fear disappointing others as much as we think we do; rather, we fear disappointing ourselves. We worry about not providing support to others and feel guilty, but this doesn’t benefit us at all. To get rid of the fear of disappointing others, you need to first remember all the things you do for them and give yourself a pat on the back for that.

 

I am the most important person who should be impressed with me

Over the years I have acquired this most precious bit of knowledge, I am the most important person who should be impressed by me. To you I can suggest, forget about pleasing everybody. Find space to open your mind, give yourself time, meditate, observe, reflect, journal your feelings, and don’t be afraid to get help. I learned how to acknowledge and accept that it's okay I fell short of what I "thought" life expected of me. This gave me a safety net and allowed me to become comfortable and happy in my own skin. Practicing self love continues to be a long and winding road for me, but I am getting there. The journey of mindfulness and gratitude has given me the ultimate gift of how to find and maintain happiness and peace. I care for every one, I want to live up to their expectation, but not at the cost of what I expect of me. My message to the world is loud and clear, raise yourself to my level, because I am not going to stoop to a lower level to meet you.